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8 Safeguards Against Getting too Close

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The young mom chatted with me after a Hearts at Home conference. "Have you ever thought about having a conference for stay-at-home dads?" she asked. "There's a stay-at-home dad in our neighborhood who's become my best friend. We take the kids to the park, shop, and even do our once-a-month cooking together. He's a great guy!"

Sirens, whistles, and red flags went off in my head. I wanted to scream, "No! Don't be naïve. Remove the blinders! Put boundaries in place and build a hedge of protection around your marriage!" It was obvious she had no idea about the danger of this seemingly harmless situation.

My husband, Mark, and I spend countless hours mentoring hurting marriages. We counsel others based on our own "back from the brink" experience many years ago when our marriage seemed hopeless. Many of these couples are dealing with damage caused by infidelity. The story is always the same: the unfaithful spouse develops a relationship that started as an innocent friendship. It was someone to talk to who listened and cared.

We know that story all too well. Even though no lines of unfaithfulness were crossed in our marriage, at the most difficult time of our relationship, I experienced attraction for a man I worked with. Luckily I realized the dangerous place I was in and got honest with Mark. We recognized the need for establishing boundaries in our personal lives that exist specifically to keep temptation at bay.

The Bible tells us that "each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (James 1:14-15). Temptation, enticement, desire, sin, death …. those are the steps infidelity takes. Because of that, we have to put boundaries in place that keep us from stepping into situations where temptation can take place.

As we talk to hurting couples about advance decisions needed to protect our marriages, we use as an example the line of trees along the west side of our house. The previous owners had wisely planted the trees to provide a hedge of protection against the winds that rage across the cornfields. When the hedge of trees was planted on our property, each tree was planted individually. As the trees grew in size and strength they worked together to protect our home from the unpredictable weather and wind.

In the same way, we need to plant a hedge of protection around our marriage, that is, we need to make advance decisions that will keep temptation at bay and the marriage a priority. Each hedge that we plant around our marriage will do the same. Each time we make one advance decision to protect our marriage we are on our way to building a marriage that is marked by faithfulness and on its way to lasting a lifetime.

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September 25, 2013  12:52am

I am German. Germans are shocked on a regular basis at the sex-centeredness of Christian American thinking. Sex is unimportant, guys! Although it is nice and pleasant it is not worth thinking of it all the time. But Americans and especially Christian Americans are obsesed with it as a "problem" - and they assume all others do think of it as often as they do. Believe me, they don't. That is what your kind of obsessed people have in common with Muslims. They too constantly think of sex when it comes to "man and woman". All of you have a long way to go. A marriage is worth nothing when it is based solely on a self-inflicted lack of opportunity. Shall I be proud of being with a partner who stays with me only because there is no alternative? Your "recipe" is pathetic. "Go through the world with closed eyes so you do not see distracting things. Stay on you couch so you are not tempted." - Overcoming temptation is making you a better person - not fleeing it.

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April 03, 2013  11:10am

These are very good "hedges" to put in place. No one goes in expecting to fall victim to temptation. And the security and priority of your marriage should come first.

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