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How to Recover From Your Husband's Pornography Addiction

How to Recover From Your Husband's Pornography Addiction

Three steps a wife can take to heal
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When a wife discovers her husband is hooked on pornography, she's instantly tossed into an unintended journey by a blistering sense of betrayal. My wife Brenda shares about a similar journey in The Healing Choice, co-written with Susan Allen:

Any wife who is enduring the pain of a husband's porn addiction is experiencing the most shattering, deep kind of pain she may ever encounter. One day her marriage seems normal, and the next perversion seems to have broken out everywhere. She hasn't a clue how to find her way out, and is likely unprepared for the crushing pain of betrayal that has her buried deep in an emotional wasteland. What happens if she doesn't have what she needs to pull through and get her heart back?

Once that storm crashes in and she realizes she doesn't have the knowledge she needs about her husband's sin, or the connection with God that she requires to handle this kind of trauma, she must immediately begin to learn and to build up her own intimacy with God, just like I did in the middle of my grief. She must choose to move in to God with all of her heart. That's the key.

Steps to recovery

Perhaps you've begun a similar journey. If so, what immediate actions can you take to move in closer to God? Obviously, you must dive deeply into prayer and into the Word. On my wife Brenda's journey, she began praying at the top of every hour for five minutes, transforming her spirit. She found the stress made it difficult for her to remember the Scripture she needed for support, so she wrote out the verses on sticky notes and posted them all over the house to keep his Word alive throughout her day. Get creative and run to him with all of your heart. As you run, be careful to do these three things as well:

1. Get knowledgeable about male sexuality

When your husband turns to porn for sexual pleasure, it's common to blame yourself for it all. Don't. At its root, it isn't about sex at all, so it isn't about your attractiveness or the extra 20 pounds you're carrying since the baby, or what you do or don't do in bed. Trust me. You have what it takes sexually, so don't worry. He's the issue—not you.

Of course, you must believe this inside and out, so get knowledgeable. Start by reading Brenda's book, Every Heart Restored, which includes nine chapters on male sexuality. You'll soon recognize that your husband's sexual sin likely spawned from past wounds inflicted upon him long before he ever met you—wounds that taught him to use his sexuality as a crutch to medicate the emotional pain in his life. Such knowledge changes everything, freeing your heart to move more quickly from judgment to mercy, which is exactly where God wants it to be.

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also in this issue

December Week 3
How a Dirty Girl Came Clean

How a Dirty Girl Came Clean

Studies show more than 20 percent of Christian women are addicted to pornography, and I was one of them—here's how I escaped my guilt and shame.
Confronting Sexual Sin

Confronting Sexual Sin

There is no sin beyond God's redemptive healing power.
Freedom from Sexual Addiction

Freedom from Sexual Addiction

To find healing, you have to come out from hiding.
Shining a Light in the Darkness

Shining a Light in the Darkness

A letter from the editor

ratings & comments

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April 23, 2014  8:12pm

thank you "not ignorant"! Before we were married we had a good sex life, but it seemed the closer we came to being committed the less he desired sex. He does have physical issues so I figured it was the meds he was on. He claimed to have no sexual interest anymore. We have been married for 5 years now. We had sex over one year ago and it had been at least one year before that. The only reason we had sex one year ago was due to me making a big deal about it and him trying to prove he still loved me. I recently discovered that my husband has been watching porn videos. I have not confronted him yet but WOW was I angry. My brain is still trying to understand the situation I am in. I am hit on all the time by men and yet here I sit with a husband who would prefer porn over me. I will be confronting soon. I know he loves me, but this is hardly tolerable!

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March 04, 2014  9:57am

My husband watches porn 2 times a week, admittedly, so... far more, I'm sure. I want sex every night, he says he has low test and doesn't. He never compliments or comes on to me. I tell him and he ignores me or thinks it is stupid. My heart is broken and I feel badly. To say it isn't about sex or emotional/physical/spiritual intimacy is incorrect. It is also disheartening to always hear about what the woman needs to do and should do, instead of getting to the real root of the problem. And no, I haven't gained weight or changed much at all since day one (3 years ago)....

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Not Ignorant

February 03, 2014  3:26pm

Every Heart Restored has unfortunately been a very harmful book to several women. Just read the negative reviews of it on amazon. There are several women I have met & spoken with who have desired deeper intimacy & more sex with their husbands who do not pursue or seem to desire them physically. Quite often (more so then not) porn is in the picture & the woman is completely crushed. If she didn't feel miserable before she now feels utterly and completely worthless after discovering that her husband has chosen an ungodly path in pursuing sexual gratification, even when she has never withheld herself from him but rather been the one seeking/initiating any love-making between them at all. These women often feel as though they have been hit by a truck & then had someone come back with a bat to finish them off. It is very wrong and hurtful to ignore the very deep and real feelings that women have gone through in situations like this & assume that most men into porn aren't getting enough sex.

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