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Your Husband Looks at Porn: Now What?

Your Husband Looks at Porn: Now What?

Well-seasoned advice from a husband on how to respond when your spouse is struggling
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11 Comments

Typically the event doesn't start with a confession, but by discovering your husband has a secret problem with lust, masturbation, and pornography. Faced with horrifying acts of betrayal, your reactions may range from sadness to depression, anger to rage, to sexual disinterest, to having an affair. Obviously, this is a relational problem between you and your husband; it's a breach of trust with the love of your life. You promised to forsake all others when you said, "I do." Very few couples getting married recognize that all marriages are a fragile covenant consummated by two sinners with seemingly good intentions. While strong love and commitment go a long way, it's never enough—sin is always going to express itself with some level of hurt and pain. It's always the grace of God that ultimately makes any marriage survive unfaithfulness and become more meaningful and glorifying to God.

Whether you've been married just a few months or for more than 25 years, your worst fears are realized when you discover hidden sexual sin. Every moment of joy, satisfaction, and intimacy you've known with the man of your dreams seems to have been shattered. What was real now seems unreal. What was true intimacy now feels like false intimacy. What was a trusting relationship is now filled with paralyzing mistrust. This relational mistrust becomes the main element between you and your husband in the struggle to move forward.

All marriage relationships are complicated. Unfaithfulness takes the normal complications to the tenth power. There's no formula, "Do X, and then Y will logically follow," but instead it's a process of radical change, not only in your husband's behavior, but also in his spiritual, relational, and sexual maturity.

Where did it all begin?

You need to understand that your husband's lust, masturbation, and pornography use did not begin when you "gained 20 pounds," or "lost interest" in sex. Neither is it because your husband is visual and sexually hardwired. Women are sexually hardwired as well and are increasingly becoming addicted to pornography.

Long before you met your husband, his problem with looking at porn began, probably around age 11. Pornography is more accessible than ever, but the problem has become more extensive in conjunction with what has always lurked inside each of us: The drive to "look" isn't an overpowering sex drive or an addiction to sex, but an overpowering, demanding, selfish desire. Pornography, with its inherent ability to be secretive with easy accessibility, uniquely meets that demand. The essence of your husband's condition is an unwillingness to be told what to do spiritually, relationally, and sexually. You need a new man, not just a change in behavior.

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ratings & comments

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Displaying 1–3 of 11 comments

Christina

July 06, 2014  8:05pm

This was a really timely article for me because I was ready to find a way to leave my husband. He's not satisfied with pornography; he looks at every single woman - even takes pictures of them and then shows them to me! It doesn't matter who he is with or where he is. It's as though he doesn't know what he is doing and when confronted, denies it vigorously and tells lies about it - even to himself. There's not enough room here to explain why this article was so very helpful but it touched on everything I knew to be true and I am deeply grateful to Dr Schaumberg for it. I'll follow this advice. I have already prayed for him, for me and for our marriage. I, at least have peace, knowing that only God can fix this. "In Christ alone my hope is found. Here in the love of Christ I stand"

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Ann

June 10, 2014  6:02am

Unfortunately with my ex husband his porn and prsotitues lead him to molest my younger sister and bring home a disease that today I battle with everyday. I prayed and stayed with this man even believing him over my sister. We were a traveling ministry and pretty blessed then I strated to put it all together and finally confronted him after watching him master ate to porn on a Saturday night before he got in the pulpit the next morning. He wanted to keep it all private and never admit to it or go to counseling because he was afraid he would lose his ministry. But he eventually lost me, I could not live with the physical, mentally and physical abuse any longer. Even though he is still preaching and telling a story of how I left him because the demands of ministry. Once a liar and co artist still one. No matter many times I forgave him he never changed, now I look like the bad guy.

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Failedagain

May 17, 2014  1:00am

I am a husband of 30 years, porn has been a part of my life since I was 5. I fight with it everyday. For the most part I do great, but when my wife goes into no sex mode, telling me to go find another wife to keep me satisfied, I fall. Going on 6 months with no sex because I looked at porn after weeks, months of denial, or she gave in "out of duty". Not what I was after. All I wanted was her, all I desire is her... all I get is "get an accountability partner", "go talk to this person", "go to this conference". That does not help us. Woman fail to understand, men are visual, if you hide your body, give minimum sex to fulfill "your duty" you are not loving your husband. Should the husband go to porn, NO. But sexual drive is natural, don't get angry with your husband because you do not want to help him. Make your marriage a priority, make satisfying your spouse a priority, he might help around the house more. His sex drive is not an illness, it is God given

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