Don't Say, "We Grew Apart"
Single Page
Page 3 of
3
- Get the order right: God, spouse, children, neighbors.
Is your love plant healthy?
- Be sure to get your rest, eat a good diet, and exercise regularly.
- Inoculate your love from unhealthy influences, like negative media or friends who tear down instead of build up.
- Tell your spouse each day why you are thankful that God put you together.
- Schedule a date every week where you purpose to spend time together. Be sure to understand and pay attention to each other's interests by alternating weeks. The husband's week might be fishing and the wife's week might be the ballet.
What weeds are growing in your garden that could choke out your love?
• Watch the resentment weed. Don't compare your effort to your spouse's. Marriage is not 50/50. It's giving your all.
• When you feel hurt, first check that your hurt is not based on unrealistic expectations (like how your grew up or what your spouse "should have known"). If your hurt is valid, pray about it, and then share it with your spouse without accusation. Avoid the word "you" and just share how the action made you feel. Use the "sandwich method" by starting your comments with what you love about your spouse, then share, then confirm your love for them.
• Keep your schedules under control, especially with kids' activities. Don't over-schedule. Remember, when you took your vows, you promised to love your spouse even when he or she seems unlovable (for better or worse). God entrusted your spouse to you. That person is your primary mission field. Even the best marriages struggle at times. That's when we have to reach down deep, make a choice to love, and then beseech God's help. What does that look like? Romans 5:8 says, "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." By dying to self, you will honor God, your spouse, your family, and God's kingdom.
Satan loves to hear the words "We grew apart."
God loves to hear you say, "We grew in love and in Christ for his glory."
Patricia Hartman is a forensic CPA (certified public accountant) who works with clients going through divorce. She is also the director of marriage education for South Florida at Live the Life, a faith-based not-for-profit organization that provides marriage and relationship education with a goal of decreasing divorce rates and increasing healthy marriages.
Page 3 of
3
not a subscriber?
Next Steps
ratings & comments
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–3 of 9 comments
See all comments
SarahTea
I love the garden metaphor! I gained a deeper understanding of this issue from reading "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", by Andrew Marshall. He notes that this generation is more likely to divorce while still wanting what is best for the other, rather than hating them. He explains that it is because we watched our parents fight and divorce, so we deeply fear fighting, for the destruction it causes. Yet we have no better conflict resolution skills to replace the fights with. So we give in, trying to keep the peace, trying to protect the other person and ourselves from the despair of divorce. Over time, life becomes less and less how we wanted it to be, because we have not taken an active role in shaping our lives; trying to do what we think our spouse wants instead. Over time, this puts us more and more in a parent-child role with our spouse, rather than a spouse role (walking side by side). And it's not natural to feel "in love" with a parent or child. Thus, we grow apart.
DTom
WOW! So MANY powerful thoughts/concepts in this article ~ will definitely be passing it on to all my married friends!
Amen
Thanks for the article patricia for this article and great concept of growing. I totally agree with what you have said. for those couples who are in really trying there best to make their marriage workout it will be easy to start doing what you have suggested at the end. four couples who have difficulty to try right now,,,I would suggest to take time, pray and start their own action without waiting the second person. we have to also trust God. We are not alone. He is there to help us.
Rate and comment on this article: *