Being a leader means that sometimes people are going to gossip about you and criticize your decisions. I wish I could just breezily say it doesn’t bother me, but I’d be lying. It does. I’ve spent nights lying in bed wondering, Why did she say that about me? Why did my decision make him so angry? Why didn’t they come straight to me with their criticisms instead of talking to everyone else?
Have you ever had a night like that? They make you toss and turn and question your decisions. These are the moments that breed insecurity and resentment.
Men, women, and “stupid” ideas
We know that both men and women can be leaders, and I really don’t think men and women are all that different in how they develop as leaders. They both need to learn the art of confident decision-making, vision-casting, and strong communication. But here’s where I have noticed a significant difference between men and women leaders: how they process criticism and gossip.
One day while on staff at a large church, I was sitting in a meeting where we were talking about an upcoming event. One of the men on the team shared an idea he had. Another man spoke up and literally said these words: “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” He then went on to share numerous reasons why he thought the idea was bad. It wasn’t my idea and it had nothing to do with me, but I was dying inside. The criticism made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I was miserable for the guy who had shared the idea. But when I looked over at him, he didn’t seem bothered at all. In fact, after the meeting, the two guys went to lunch together!
I couldn’t believe it! Why wasn’t he angry? Why weren’t his feelings hurt? Why didn’t he come after the guy for attacking him in front of other people? I talked to him about this later, and what he told me was great insight into what I’ve seen in other great men leaders: He didn’t take it personally. He welcomed the opposition because it made him think. He said he trusted that the other man cared about him even if he didn’t care for his idea. He was able to separate the personal relationship from the discussion and move on. Wow!
Beyond my gut reaction
The criticism the man received truly wasn’t personal—it was a critique of an idea. But what about criticism that attacks you as a human? Or what about nasty gossip related to your character or your leadership? It’s hard to separate that from the relationship. It sometimes feels impossible to not take it personally when it’s aimed right at you.