Growing Apart Is a Myth

Rich and I have a good marriage. Yeah, we fight occasionally like anyone else, but we readily admit we're soul mates. The Holy Spirit brought us together. Most everyone around us recognizes it—even a United flight attendant, who remarked how much fun we seemed to be having as a couple.

That's all dandy, right? Well, sure, as long as your friends are in the same boat. Unfortunately, some of our couple friends are not only in a different boat, they're in a completely opposite mode of transportation. Race cars heading for a wall come to mind, or airplanes sputtering gasless, trying to make it to the runway.

Of course Rich and I try to set a good example about marriage, but after awhile I start to feel like I'm flaunting my good "fortune" in front of our friends who are struggling. I sense myself giving Rich less affection when we're with these troubled couples, and I try to limit my talk of our duo-driven life. Still, friends ask in confidence what they should do about their failing marriages. What am I to answer? "Go back 20 years and marry someone else"? Not likely.

Instead, my stock response has been: "Do you have something to get back to?" By that, I mean was there a time in the marriage that the person truly was fulfilled? If so, what was going on then? And more important, can the couple return to those activities or somehow bring their lives back to those patterns?

For example, one friend was lamenting to me what she saw as the coming end of her marriage. "We just don't have anything in common anymore," Gwen said. "I was a different person 15 years ago. I've changed, and Tim hasn't changed with me."

Granted, Gwen had gone from being a politically conservative schoolteacher to a radically liberal college professor while Tim had retained his conservative stance. But I still saw the same sports-loving, outdoorsy Gwen who had found her match in Tim during their senior year of college.

"Do you have something to get back to?" I asked her.

She thought for a moment. Her eyes filled as she said, "You know, I think we do. Our first years in that little apartment …we were so happy."

"What did you do then?"

"We went on walks a lot," she recounted. "We cooked together. We played with our dog. We talked." She paused. "Wow, I'd forgotten how much we used to talk. I've been spending so much time thinking about the space between us that I'd forgotten all of that."

"Don't you think you might be able to recapture some of it?"

Gwen nodded hesitantly. "Yes," she said in a near whisper. "I just don't know where to start. Three kids don't make it easy to find the time …"

Her voice trailed off but I saw a glimmer of determination in Gwen's eyes. A lunch that had started with her revealing to me she was considering filing for divorce ended with a reconsideration. Were she and her husband so far apart that they couldn't reconnect?

This story has a happy ending, but it wasn't until three years later. After much counseling, a trial separation, a move to a different state, and job changes for both, Gwen finally can report to me that she and Tim are happier than ever. They still have their differences, but they've found ways to fan those passion flames when things get a bit chilly.

It's not just the Gwens of the world who need to stop and do some marriage repair every once in a while. She and Tim were an extreme case, but occasionally we all get a dose of the dull and boring. Rich and I have hit those low points, and I don't know if it's a conscious choice or not, but we always seem to find a new endeavor that invigorates us and provides that "our special thing" experience. In 2006 it was a dream trip to Italy and the Mediterranean. Two years ago, on a much smaller scale, it was finding we enjoy super-long walks. Last year, it was a major overhaul on our home, including a remodeled kitchen and new windows.

Frankly, I don't believe in the "growing apart" myth, especially in a Christian marriage. When the pastor at your wedding said you were "two and now one," he wasn't referring to your skirt size (oh, don't I wish!). It's our responsibility as married people—who are called to emulate the relationship between Christ and the church—to keep our love alive. If that means finding a way to get back to what you used to have, or spicing up what you have now, do it! I guarantee the results will be well worth the effort.

Christy Scannell, freelance editor and writer, is co-author of Katt's in the Cradle (Howard Books/Simon & Schuster). She and her husband, Rich, live in Southern California. www.ChristyScannell.com

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