My Husband was Addicted to Porn
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I have a confession to make: I've have been married to a sex addict for most of my 25-year marriage. For much of that time, I hid my shameful secret. I'd tell myself my husband, Paul, was normal, that every man was into pornography. All the while, I silently suffered tremendous damage to my self-worth, blaming myself for my husband's problem.
I never caught Paul looking at pornographic magazines, watching x-rated movies, or surfing pornographic Web sites. Instead, I found out by his own admission. Since he was a Christian while involved in these activities, his guilt eventually got to him—and he had to confess.
When I finally stopped denying the seriousness of his addiction, life seemed unmanageable. How could I cope with my crippling emotions of pain, anger, and shame? How could we go on? I needed answers—but didn't know where to turn.
When Paul and I married, I wasn't a Christian yet, and Paul had become one just a month before we wed. When I finally accepted Christ, our marriage should have followed the "happily ever after" route. But we learned the hard way that becoming a believer doesn't automatically eradicate your family inheritance.
When Paul was 10 years old, his father left his mother for the neighbor down the street. Paul's mother went back to work, leaving him unsupervised with his two teenage brothers, who introduced him to porn. When Paul became a teen, he became sexually active. Sex made him feel cared about; it replaced the care and concern he missed at home.
Paul's addiction to pornography filled me with feelings of failure, guilt, shock, devastation, and hopelessness. I didn't know what to do when he came with a confession of his activity. I felt as though my heart broke into a million pieces. My worth as a woman plummeted, and I put up walls to close out any emotional or physical intimacy with him. It would take me weeks before I could allow myself to be intimate with Paul again.
Although Paul confessed, he was unable to stop. When he saw the unbelievable pain I experienced, he'd be overcome with remorse. We fell into a pattern: Paul would confess his involvement in pornography, beg for forgiveness, then promise never to do it again. But—he would.
I could always tell when Paul experienced a failure. He'd behave as someone who had something to hide but would become offended that I didn't trust him. Finally, after weeks of questioning him, Paul would confess that my suspicions were right.
One evening, as Paul and I took a walk, he confessed that while I was at Bible camp with our kids, he'd bought a pornographic magazine and indulged. How could I be of any value to Paul if he continued to repeat this destructive habit? What could I do to help him? So I'd take partial blame, then forgive him—again.
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Lou
For 37 years I have been in an adulterous marriage with hard porn.We are both Christians and met at church during high school and married at 19.We have been through Christian professional counseling twice during this time, even though I didn't find out until recently that this was still present and hadn't stopped for 37 years!! So much hurt and pain!! I grieve for what our marriage might have been without porn!The Christian psychologist explains it is his way of escaping his hurt and pain from his childhood, but only he can choose to change..his childhood is long behind him..he's almost 60 yrs old now! Don't marry a man with this addiction. Now the next time it's separation, possibly divorce. I never pictured myself in this situation when I was a young Christian woman.I can support myself, but I have invested so much in this marriage, so I am leaving it in God's hands until it happens again after this counseling. Statistics aren't good for recovery even among Christians.
Kate
and let me finish by saying that it took me a while to be angry. And I am angry! I am angry that the addiction is so easily accepted by our friends and associates. I am angry that my husband exposed our children ( our sons) to porn early in their lives and that I didn't know! I am angry that he is lost in a world that fully embraces him and will both tear at whatever soul remains in the fragment of his life and will also sustain him because the network that lives in the gutters of our world is alive and thriving. I am angry that my children have to see it and that I have to remind them that he is their father. And yet, somehow, In spite of this great darkness in our lives, God has been very clear that he has prepared a way through this for me and my children. God has given me a boldness that says "Do not be afraid". I see, feel and know that is God working in my life and the lives of my children. God has made me a promise and I believe Him.
Kate
I have filed for divorce with the full knowledge that I have nothing wrong and did nothing to deserve such horrific treatment from a man supposed to love me. I now know that my continuing in the marriage only serves to mask the mirage that is his life. The fine doctor is working very hard to manage his image and not allow the truth to alter the way he wants to lead his life in any way. It has cost him his marriage, and his family to date but hasn't appeared to affect his career. So where am I? Honestly I see that forgiveness is a multifaceted thing. I have found that the infidelity is the easiest part to forgive because I am not living with him anymore and my children know the truth. I am focusing on healing in Celebrate Recovery, understanding the disease as it relates to me and my children, and trying to forgive in an environment where my husband will continue to benefit from his lies, warp the truth, manage his image to mask the horror within. I could use all your prayers!
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