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My Husband Was Addicted to Porn

My Husband Was Addicted to Porn

Could our marriage survive his compulsion?
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95 Comments

I have a confession to make: I've have been married to a sex addict for most of my 25-year marriage. For much of that time, I hid my shameful secret. I'd tell myself my husband, Paul, was normal, that every man was into pornography. All the while, I silently suffered tremendous damage to my self-worth, blaming myself for my husband's problem.

I never caught Paul looking at pornographic magazines, watching x-rated movies, or surfing pornographic Web sites. Instead, I found out by his own admission. Since he was a Christian while involved in these activities, his guilt eventually got to him—and he had to confess.

When I finally stopped denying the seriousness of his addiction, life seemed unmanageable. How could I cope with my crippling emotions of pain, anger, and shame? How could we go on? I needed answers—but didn't know where to turn.

When Paul and I married, I wasn't a Christian yet, and Paul had become one just a month before we wed. When I finally accepted Christ, our marriage should have followed the "happily ever after" route. But we learned the hard way that becoming a believer doesn't automatically eradicate your family inheritance.

When Paul was 10 years old, his father left his mother for the neighbor down the street. Paul's mother went back to work, leaving him unsupervised with his two teenage brothers, who introduced him to porn. When Paul became a teen, he became sexually active. Sex made him feel cared about; it replaced the care and concern he missed at home.

Paul's addiction to pornography filled me with feelings of failure, guilt, shock, devastation, and hopelessness. I didn't know what to do when he came with a confession of his activity. I felt as though my heart broke into a million pieces. My worth as a woman plummeted, and I put up walls to close out any emotional or physical intimacy with him. It would take me weeks before I could allow myself to be intimate with Paul again.

Although Paul confessed, he was unable to stop. When he saw the unbelievable pain I experienced, he'd be overcome with remorse. We fell into a pattern: Paul would confess his involvement in pornography, beg for forgiveness, then promise never to do it again. But—he would.

I could always tell when Paul experienced a failure. He'd behave as someone who had something to hide but would become offended that I didn't trust him. Finally, after weeks of questioning him, Paul would confess that my suspicions were right.

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Displaying 1–3 of 95 comments

Kate

February 19, 2014  4:39pm

I've been married for 6 years. Everything was perfect during dating. When we got married and we moved in together, he became distant. There was always an excuse for not being intimate. He was always putting blame on me. I accepted and was trying to change myself for him. after few years I started find pictures on computer. He would say that it won't happen again and after few month it would repeat. When I found teenage photos, that's when my last piece of hope died. I realized that he is addicted to porn. All this 6 years we didn't have sex. We are best friends, travel together, deal with daily tasks and problems together, but we are not intimate. Gave him chances, but trust is broken. All this years of going to sleep with tears, just got tired. Want to have family and kids, want to be intimate with my husband. But it didn't happen. Divorce is not what God supports, but I don't see how this marriage could be a blessing. Filed for divorce. It hurts incredibly! My heart broke into pieces

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GodsChild

February 17, 2014  4:52pm

Why, why, why, do they always blame us when they are still in denial? My husband tells me I am making up these things I am "accusing" him of. I am normally not the jealous type, and I am NOT making these things up, my friends and family all see it, even my pastor and his wife see him ogling other women.

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Robin

January 15, 2014  6:06pm

My husband spent many, many years addicted to porn. Through Christ he was able to come out of his addiction about 10 years ago, the past 6 mos. to a year, I feel like I have become his porn. He expects to see (& enjoy) my breasts daily, he likes to watch me dress & undress, if I get dressed when he is not there to see he says I am keeping myself from him. To make matters worse I have gained weight and I am so uncomfortable and self conscious. It is the worse feeling in the world, I'd've gotten to where all I want to do is hide behind closed doors. I also have gone through menopause in the last year and have found the my breasts hurt and are uncomfortable all the time. He said as a Chrisitan wife I should always be available for him. We have never had children so he has never had to have restraint. He blames it on me and says That restricting him causes him to be unhappy & agitated. I don't believe he is viewing porn. Help I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

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