The young mom on the other end of the phone poured out her frustrations. She desired sex, but her husband could care less. As the parents of five, all under the age of six, they rarely found time for each other outside the bedroom, let alone inside. She confessed that she felt they were more like roommates than lovers.
I listened with understanding. As a mother of five myself, I know the struggle of keeping our family marriage-centered, not child-centered. I know the difficulties in finding time for just the two of us. And I know the challenge of differing sexual drives.
When she finally paused to catch her breath, I explained some of the strategies Mark and I found to keep our marriage a priority. We talked about creative date ideas, inexpensive childcare options, and the importance of connecting on a daily basis. I asked her if she and her husband ever considered scheduling their sex life. She responded with an awkward silence.
Finally, she laughed and said, "You're kidding, right? Sex is supposed to be spontaneous. Nobody schedules sex."
Pencil it in—in code!
For 22 years of marriage, Mark and I have been at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to our sex drives. Mark thinks about sex once every 17 seconds. I think about it once every 17 days. And this wasn't our only marital challenge. Eventually we found ourselves in a marriage counselor's office.
Our differing sex drives were just one issue of many in our hurting relationship. During that healing season, we learned some new strategies for communication, conflict resolution, and compromise concerning our sexual differences. That's when we first discovered the concept of scheduling sex.
At first, just like that young mom, we couldn't get past the misconception that sex isn't something to be scheduled. Who says sex should always be spontaneous? Movies, television shows, magazine articles, and romance novels, that's who!
If we're not careful, we begin to use the media to determine what's "right" or "normal." But then, we're using the wrong measuring stick. We can't allow our culture or the media to set direction for our relationship. Instead, we need to apply our God-given creativity to find the time and set the strategies to make our sex life within marriage work.
Once we were able to grasp that scheduling sex wasn't such a crazy idea, we put it into place within our partnership. Today, we're still amazed at the transformation it brings to our physical relationship.