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Scheduling Sex

Scheduling Sex

Putting sex on the calendar makes it a date to remember!
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The young mom on the other end of the phone poured out her frustrations. She desired sex, but her husband could care less. As the parents of five, all under the age of six, they rarely found time for each other outside the bedroom, let alone inside. She confessed that she felt they were more like roommates than lovers.

I listened with understanding. As a mother of five myself, I know the struggle of keeping our family marriage-centered, not child-centered. I know the difficulties in finding time for just the two of us. And I know the challenge of differing sexual drives.

When she finally paused to catch her breath, I explained some of the strategies Mark and I found to keep our marriage a priority. We talked about creative date ideas, inexpensive childcare options, and the importance of connecting on a daily basis. I asked her if she and her husband ever considered scheduling their sex life. She responded with an awkward silence.

Finally, she laughed and said, "You're kidding, right? Sex is supposed to be spontaneous. Nobody schedules sex."

Pencil it in—in code!

For 22 years of marriage, Mark and I have been at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to our sex drives. Mark thinks about sex once every 17 seconds. I think about it once every 17 days. And this wasn't our only marital challenge. Eventually we found ourselves in a marriage counselor's office.

Our differing sex drives were just one issue of many in our hurting relationship. During that healing season, we learned some new strategies for communication, conflict resolution, and compromise concerning our sexual differences. That's when we first discovered the concept of scheduling sex.

At first, just like that young mom, we couldn't get past the misconception that sex isn't something to be scheduled. Who says sex should always be spontaneous? Movies, television shows, magazine articles, and romance novels, that's who!

If we're not careful, we begin to use the media to determine what's "right" or "normal." But then, we're using the wrong measuring stick. We can't allow our culture or the media to set direction for our relationship. Instead, we need to apply our God-given creativity to find the time and set the strategies to make our sex life within marriage work.

Once we were able to grasp that scheduling sex wasn't such a crazy idea, we put it into place within our partnership. Today, we're still amazed at the transformation it brings to our physical relationship.

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Related Topics:Busyness; Intimacy; Marriage; Sex

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September 16, 2011  5:12am

I have been married for over twenty years with two kids. We finally figured it out. We schedule sex. We plan and have sex EVERY other morning other than when my Wife has her period as she does not like to have sex then. There were a few other contributing factors - one being birth control. We use a Paraguard IUD, no condoms, no pills - it is as close to nature as we could get, it works and we have no barrier between us. Another factor was that we discovered we liked morning sex best of all - we are not tired as we are before we go to bed. It is a metaphor - sex is important so it is the first thing we do not the last thing in our day. Scheduling sex is MORE romantic than spontaneous sex - we prepare for it, we look forward to it. I shower the night before, I fluff up her pillow and lay out lingerie and she wears it - I shave and put on cologne. We know we are going to make love - no pressure, no arguments and no excuses. We wake up early and we have a wonderful sexual experience.

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June 09, 2011  2:19am

I've hit an all time low in my libido and find getting in the mood for sex difficult and feel especially upset and uncomfortable when I have to do something I really would rather not do at the moment. Pressure has been making this even worse and I feel like I hate sex even though I wish I didn't. We've tried scheduling sex but I just can't get in the mood and I always end up feeling like I'm going to cry because I don't really want to do it right now and because I can't get myself into it. What do I do? He keeps confusing me with saying he'll wait for me but then saying he can't wait because sexual intimacy is a part of him and the only way he knows how to express his feelings. Honestly I feel like I could do without sex if this is all the stress I have to put up with panicking about having sex that day...

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June 10, 2010  3:26pm

Very intersting article but need to figure out how to encompass the issue of E-D on the side of the partner with all the desire, but waning capabilities that he apparently doesn't recognize WITHOUT hurting his feelings.

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