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The Day I Left My Marriage

The Day I Left My Marriage

(And the unusual advice that challenged my decision)
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The day had come. I'd lasted as long as I could in my marriage. Once my husband, Bill, left for work, I packed a bag for myself and our 14-month-old son and left our home. It was the only year in our married life when we lived in the same town as my parents. Obviously the convenience of being able to run to Mom and Dad made my decision to leave Bill easier.

With a tear-stained, angry face, I walked into Mom's kitchen. She held the baby while I sobbed my declaration of independence. After washing my face and sipping a cup of coffee, Mom told me she and Dad would help me. They'd be there for me, which brought me great comfort.

"But before you leave Bill," she said, "I have one task for you to complete."

Mom put down my sleeping son, took a pen and sheet of paper, and drew a vertical line down the middle of the page. She told me to list in the left column all the things Bill did that made him impossible to live with. As I looked at the dividing line, I thought she'd then tell me to list all his good qualities on the right-hand side. I was determined to have a longer list of bad qualities on the left. This is going to be easy, I thought. I started immediately to scribble down the left column.

Bill never picked his clothes off the floor. He never told me when he was going outside. He slept in church. He had embarrassing, nasty habits such as blowing his nose or belching at the dinner table. He never bought me nice presents. He refused to match his clothes. He was tight with money. He wouldn't help with the housework. He didn't talk with me.

The list went on and on, until I'd filled the page. I certainly had more than enough evidence to prove that no woman would be able to live with this man.

Smugly I said, "Now I guess you're going to ask me to list all Bill's good qualities on the right side."

"No," Mom said. "I already know Bill's good qualities. Instead, for each item on the left side, I want you to write how you respond. What do you do?"

This was even tougher. I'd been thinking about Bill's few, good qualities I could list. I hadn't considered thinking about myself. I knew Mom wasn't going to let me get by without completing her assignment. So I had to start writing.

I'd pout, cry, and get angry. I'd be embarrassed to be with him. I'd act like a "martyr." I'd wish I'd married someone else. I'd give him the silent treatment. I'd feel I was too good for him. The list seemed endless.

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July 26, 2014  5:08pm

I am the only one under my control. Her mother's advice was empowering.

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Jacey to LadyWife

July 25, 2014  8:29pm

Dear Ladywife, I couldn't agree more. To the woman who wants to leave her husband because she "fell out of love with him", this is great advice. But it is precisely this type of thinking that causes Christians to lash out in judgment of women who leave. I left a man who was a "sex addict", extremely manipulative, and emotionally abusive. My six year marriage to him was spent trying to be a better, more godly wife... just knowing that God would fix us and heal things. But after six years, he made it clear that he was unwilling to give up his prostitutes. I tried everything I could and gave chance after chance. What I got in return was PTSD and years of mental health struggles. My list on the left would have been more like: * Separates me from my family. * Separates me from my friends. *Forces sex whether I want it or not. *Sleeps with other women (and men) he found on craigslist. * Hires prostitutes. *Refuses to allow me to be tested for HIV during my pregnancy.

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July 21, 2014  9:41pm

You shouldn't need some coffee table explanation of why your holier than thou mentality is crude & unforgiving. you shouldn't need God to spell out for you what any woman with any intellect can perceive. This is why I left Church. Wisdom is not solely born of Christian Religion. Think, Love, & Do... because the God you believe so much in, gave you the ability to do so.

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