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Why Does My Spouse Make Me So Angry?

Four insights that changed my marriage
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I muttered to myself, "If only Larry would be the man I expected, I wouldn't be so angry. It's his fault." We'd been married seven years and I feared our marriage wouldn't survive. I pleaded with God to change Larry—to make him work less and not be so interested in his flying hobby. Every time he flew without me, my anger increased. I repeated over and over, "It's all his fault!"

But then God began to change my perspective and as a result, he brought healing and joy into our marriage. If your spouse makes you "so angry," you might want to consider the insights God gave me.

I'm responsible for my anger

For most of my life, I'd blamed others for my anger. "If only they wouldn't do …" or "If only they would do …" But God began to show me verses like Ephesians 4:29, 31-32. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths … Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate …" Paul used verbs that were commands, which meant I could choose to obey. It wasn't out of my control.

None of those verses say, "If your spouse treats you right, do not let any unwholesome talk …" or "If your spouse meets your needs, be kind and compassionate." There were no possible justifications. I was responsible for my reactions and if I claimed to be a Christian, I had the Holy Spirit's power to be patient as a fruit of the Spirit. As a result, I began to hold myself accountable.

Taking responsibility for my anger meant humbling myself and asking forgiveness from God and Larry. Though extremely difficult in the beginning, I was more motivated to recognize when I started to become angry in order to avoid needing to ask forgiveness. Learning to catch myself confirmed that I could choose to be angry—or not!

My spouse isn't a reflection of me

When Larry and I were with others, my mind rumbled, Why did he say that? or I can't believe he did that. Even though he was directing his actions toward others, I felt angry. If he was gruff with someone, I felt bad and would step in to make things better. If he seemed unconcerned about someone's situation, I went overboard asking them about it. It seemed like I spent a lot of thought and energy trying to make up for what I believed he lacked. And I felt angry because it seemed to put me in a bad light.

Then I began to question, Why am I feeling angry when he didn't even do those things to me? I was acting as though he was a direct reflection of me and I took it personally. When he didn't "perform" the way I thought he should and other people seemed unhappy, I felt like they judged me. After all I criticized other wives for not controlling their husbands. I thought getting angry at Larry would motivate him to change—thus would protect my image.

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Displaying 1–3 of 23 comments

Chu

July 21, 2014  11:01pm

I am at that cross road- My husband has done and said many many hurtful things to me. I have always tried to ignore them, not to fight with him. But gradually, those harsh words started to have an effect on me - I am feeling distant from him, I am even feeling resentful. Since by all standards I have done my best, and worked hard on our relationship. Not only did he not appreciate it he picks on me. All the good things I do did not count yet his eyes were focused on picking my faults... it's so tiring... We are at this point where I really don't feel any intimacy with him - We don't talk to each other about issues we face, b/c it will always end up in argument... I feel extremely unfulfilled in my marriage - Is this all there is?! A husband who is grouchy and bad tempered, a wife that feels lonely all the time, a marriage that feels cold and lonely as a tomb... God designed marriage to be totally different...

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Catalina

July 08, 2014  4:17am

i have been married for 6yrs. its been a rough ride but i still love my husband. thank you for this article.. i am always angry at my husband for anything he does. Nothing makes me happy about him lately. He has a good heart but at times i can be so negative and I think how long is this act of kindness will last. He has cheated on me and I say i forgave him but when he starts talking down on me and i am not going to his standards. This full of rage i have comes heavily. All i want is peace in my heart. But i want him to pay for my pain. My insecurities, my rage, etc..everything. When he tries really hard, i just dont buy it. Its like i want to punish him forever. Then at times i ask myself, why be with him if i am not happy. I am confused but mostly angry. I have alot of baggage, i guess. I am mostly confused and i am pregnant. But i do not want to excuse that because the way i am feeling now. This anger has been with me for years. Dont know what to do..

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ismail

June 24, 2014  3:44am

the best way to make angry husband calm down is that you have to gave him your warm and love and fraish him fom your feminine side . jump on him cuddlehim and bit his ears and tell him do you want to fight . all is in your hand ladies and girls . man need this kind of thing from you . thats why when a married man meed a girl in a coffé or somewhere and see things that his wife dont do and he is in need for it . he make a mistake and do something crazy with that girl . this is wroung i know but i am telling you ladies what your man need from you . do not niver act cold .because he will do more . and traying to revange he may do something crazy . if anyone have a question or anything just let me know . my email is idarari@gmail.com . i'll be glad to help anytime .i love happy couples ;) peace and love

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