Coming soon to—a beautiful new design. Get an early look

Jump directly to the content
Guest | Limited Access

Subsciber access onlyarticle preview

Available to TCW subscribers only. or subscribe now.

Open Circle

A journey out of church clique life

No First PageNo Previous PagePage 1 of 3Next PageLast Page

The sound of their laughter carried across the crowded lobby one Sunday morning after church, as one of the women in the group momentarily glanced in my direction. I read her glance and smile as an invitation to join them.

"How are you all this morn—"

Another wave of laughter rippled around the group, swallowing the rest of my greeting. I tried gently inject-ing myself into the conversation, but soon realized the welcoming glance I'd seen across the lobby wasn't meant for me … or anyone else, for that matter. Focused on chatter about their weekly post-church lunch date, none of them acknowledged my presence until they drifted toward the exit.

"Hey, have a great week," one called over her shoulder.

After relocating to a new town six months earlier, my husband and I began attending this church. We tried to build new relationships by helping with some community outreach projects and by joining a small group. The small group fizzled after a few meetings, and we weren't quite sure what to try next. The church initially appeared to be a friendly place, but we couldn't seem to get past the "glad to see you again" label affixed to us as new people.

We began to notice that the relational life of the 300-member congregation was driven by a few close circles of friends. While the dynamics of those connections gave the place the appearance of lively biblical community, in reality the church was a warehouse full of cliques.

I'd had a circle of good friends in my former church, and enjoyed the richness of that experience. If there was a problem in my life, I knew I could pick up the phone and call one of them. We laughed, cried, prayed, and changed our kids' diapers together. I never saw us as a clique—until we relocated to a new town, and my husband and I tried to build some relationships in our new church.

The Power of a Circle

The awkward moment in the church lobby sparked some deep reflection in me. I thought back to the way my friends and I interacted with those outside of our circle at my previous church. When was the last time we'd invited someone new to join us for coffee, a toddler play date, or one of our many Sunday afternoon after-church get-togethers?

We were a closed circle, focused only on ourselves. I realized that a clique forms a faux community, a copy of the real thing. A church clique isn't typically a spiritually challenging or demographically diverse place. God used the awkward moment in the lobby of this new church to lovingly convict me of my past choices and reshape the kinds of friendships I would be making here and now.

article preview

This article is currently available to TCW subscribers only.

To Continue Reading:

Michelle Van Loon

Sign up for TCW's free e-newsletter, Lifework with Diane Paddison, for biweekly updates and encouragement for women who desire to pursue God through their calling and career.
Related Topics:Church; Friendship

read these next

for further study

Downloadable resources to go deeper

Your Guide to Sexual Satisfaction

God's plan for sex is multidimensional-here's how to move past making pleasure your goal to seek a more intimate connection with your spouse.

Living Water

A three-session Bible study designed to quench your soul thirst and invite others in.

Practicing Contentment

In our culture, we have more, but seem to enjoy life less. Here are tips on how to foster deep, counter-cultural contentment in your life.

Sexual Temptation

Desire happens. Here's how to keep a misled God-given desire from ruining our lives.
Today's Christian Woman
Open Circle