The Journey of Childlessness
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My gynecologist's certainty gave me confidence: In a booming voice, incongruously deep for his small stature, he assured me that my baby was well, and I needn't be worried over an earlier miscarriage. So my husband, Clay, and I joyfully celebrated the three-month milestone marking the pregnancy as safe.
It seemed life was unfolding just as we'd hoped: We'd married, Clay had completed seminary, and soon after his graduation, he was offered an associate pastorate. With a baby on the way, we once again had reason to celebrate.
A week after that prenatal visit, we headed to a beach-front hotel for a church staff conference. After a laughter-filled dinner full of excited chatter and congratulations over expecting our first child, I excused myself and sleepily returned to the hotel room. There, sitting in a stark white bathroom, I stared in shock at a bright red streak.
No, no—this couldn't be happening.
The unfamiliar room, with its too perfectly arranged furniture and jarringly cheerful seascapes, amplified my disbelief. Mechanically, I crawled into the strange bed. I tugged at the cold sheet and foreign blanket, desperate for any bit of comfort, then pulled my Bible near.
"God, you know I've begged you to protect this baby," I prayed. "God, please! I can't cope with another miscarriage. Please heal my body and stop the bleeding. Please, don't let me lose my baby."
A couple hours later, Clay came in. He saw the anxiety in my expression and wrapped me in warm arms.
In the morning, we quietly drove home. By evening, labor began and I fought with everything in me to stop it. But by daylight, the battle was lost.
Difficult years followed, as my dream of motherhood shifted from joyous hope, to desperate pleading, to the grief of impossibility—and finally, to settled acceptance that it wasn't to be. Looking back, I can see that contentment with childlessness was a journey with four major milestones. It began with changing what I mistakenly believed was a faith-filled response to difficulties.
Milestone 1: Developing an "open-eyed" faith
Like many Christians, I'd memorized verses such as "all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28) and "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). When bad things happened, I'd quote these verses, express my gratitude that God would eventually make everything right, and push away my questions. Trying to trust God, I did something akin to closing my eyes, putting my hands over my ears, and saying, "Lalalala—just have faith—lalalala."
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Asha
Thank you. I have experienced many of the things you have written. Your resolve has helped me. I dislike being angry with God, which is worst to me than the childlessness. I love your concept of placing it at the foot of cross with the question and leaving it as a sacrifice to God Himself. My heart longs to go home and I thank you for helping me along the path with your words. Thank you sister.
Isabel
Dear Jean, Thank you for sharing your story. I know your will be blessed beyond measure. I too know about this sorrow and I too as you did have three beautifully wrap gift boxes two blue and one pink at the foot of the Cross…. I did fight and struggle but one day I surrendered to the One who holds the World in His Hands…. Until that day when the trumpet sounds…. I dream of opening my presents that day… but that too I have given it to God… The rest of my days I want to dedicate them to help those in this journey, so they don’t feel alone. I praise God for people like you. Revelations 21:4 has become my favorite promise! We are working on a documentary project by Lifestreams Media that may interest you to check out, it will be completed late Spring this year. Is called Aborted Sun – a documentary about how to find hope after miscarriage and abortion loss, you can find out more in the Facebook page: Aborted Sun.
Jean Jones
Bobbi, I am so sorry for your truly difficult times. I pray that the Lord God takes you tenderly in His arms and lets you know how much He loves you, and that the life He wants to give you is so much bigger than one thing we cannot have. I pray He opens your eyes to see a glimpse of eternal glory, so that you can find the One true Person who alone can satisfy the yearnings of our hearts. SF: I am so sorry for the hurt you seem to bear. I do not think anyone receives all the desires of their hearts, for our desires conflict, though we often do not know it. I pray the Lord draw you to Him in truth. For all the commenters: Thank you for sharing your stories. I stop by periodically to pray for you all. May the God of all comfort bless you all. ~Jean E. Jones.
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