Avoiding the Intimacy Drift

Fighting our tendency to hide from each other

What I want to offer you is a simple thought. To the degree you hide and blame, you will ruin the very thing that you most deeply desire. To the degree that you open your heart and give to the other, particularly in the context of some of your hardest moments, you will have the opportunity to develop true and lasting intimacy.

What is intimacy? It is the delectable pleasure that promises, through heart and body, that love conquers death. In most worlds, we're looking at a 52-percent probability of divorce in a first marriage. Seventy percent in a second. Ninety percent in a third. We live in a world of marital death. And given that, what will not only keep the two of you together, but actually bring you pleasure—the pleasure that is, indeed, a promise that death does not win, that love conquers death? That's what our hearts most deeply desire.

To do that kind of work, we've got to walk into the depths of what seems counterintuitive: we must enter the suffering of the other. To stand with that person, share in whatever way we can with them in their suffering, and to have a heart to bless them rather than to flee from them or blame them.

The Curse

I believe that every one of us struggles with what Genesis 3:16-19 points us to. This is reality for every man and every woman. As daughters of Eve, as sons of Adam, we all struggle with what came as a consequence of intimacy being broken with God and one another:

Then [God] said to the woman, "I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you."
And to the man he said, "Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. It will grow thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains. By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat until you return to the ground from which you were made. For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return."

That's not happy news. The reality to be a woman in this world is that you suffer what your mother Eve suffered. And to be a man in this world means you suffere what your father Adam suffered. What did they suffer? Two things for each.

First, for women, you will have pain in childbearing. Does that mean that if you do not have children you have been released from the curse? Absolutely not. This literally means you will have pain in childbearing. But even more, what I believe the passage is inviting us to consider is that a woman's heart is relational. A woman's heart gives birth to relationships. A woman's heart is to expand and to grow and to see fruitfulness in the way that she lives. And what's the byproduct of the fall? Every woman will have pain in relationships. There will be a certain loneliness and agony that will be there in all her relationships.

Subscriber access onlyYou have reached the end of this Article Preview
This article is currently available to TCW subscribers only.
To continue reading:
Free Marriage Partnership Newsletter

Sign up today for our Weekly newsletter: Marriage Partnership. Helping couples grow their marriage through biblical principles while living in the real world with real issues.

Read These Next

For Further StudyFor Further StudyDownloadable resources to go deeper

Current Issue

September 30, 2015
September 30