Don't Say, "We Grew Apart"
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It was no accident that God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He gave them the opportunity to live in the perfect garden with all their needs supplied. Their only requirement was to tend it. This is work (an action). When we do it well, the garden bears fruit. God created man and woman to help each other with this work.
The same is true of marriage. We have the opportunity to live in the perfect marriage garden and bear fruit for God's kingdom, but we must work. God gave us a plot and instructed us to cultivate our relationships: first with him, second with our spouses, then with our children, and finally with our neighbors. Our job is to love (an action), not to be loved (an emotion). He created us to glorify him and his kingdom, not to wait around for someone to glorify us.
When Adam and Eve sinned, they brought death into the world. What was the sin that marked death for mankind? It was the sin of self-centeredness. What keeps us from tending the garden? It's that same old self-centeredness. When we focus on ourselves, we focus on our needs and desires. Resentment shows up because our spouses don't meet our expectations, or we feel like they are not doing what they are "supposed to be doing." Before you know it, our gardens are so overgrown with resentment that restoring them seems impossible. This is where we found Suzie. She looked at her overgrown garden and found her love plant had been choked out. It seemed easier to throw in the towel and start a new garden. And thus she uttered the words "We grew apart."
Tending Your Garden
Whether you're preparing for marriage, you're newlyweds, or you have been married for 50 years, the truth of the marriage garden is the same: you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7-10). Now is the time to take inventory of your garden and take steps not only to seek out and destroy the weeds, but to cause it to bloom and be fruitful in ways that glorify and magnify God. You will reap a harvest from your work.
Is your love planted in godly soil?
- Actively seek God by praying together and for each other daily. Dedicate a specific time to pray together, away from the kids and the distractions of daily living.
- Build your marriage on the firm foundation of God's Word through daily reading and meditation.
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SarahTea
I love the garden metaphor! I gained a deeper understanding of this issue from reading "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", by Andrew Marshall. He notes that this generation is more likely to divorce while still wanting what is best for the other, rather than hating them. He explains that it is because we watched our parents fight and divorce, so we deeply fear fighting, for the destruction it causes. Yet we have no better conflict resolution skills to replace the fights with. So we give in, trying to keep the peace, trying to protect the other person and ourselves from the despair of divorce. Over time, life becomes less and less how we wanted it to be, because we have not taken an active role in shaping our lives; trying to do what we think our spouse wants instead. Over time, this puts us more and more in a parent-child role with our spouse, rather than a spouse role (walking side by side). And it's not natural to feel "in love" with a parent or child. Thus, we grow apart.
DTom
WOW! So MANY powerful thoughts/concepts in this article ~ will definitely be passing it on to all my married friends!
Amen
Thanks for the article patricia for this article and great concept of growing. I totally agree with what you have said. for those couples who are in really trying there best to make their marriage workout it will be easy to start doing what you have suggested at the end. four couples who have difficulty to try right now,,,I would suggest to take time, pray and start their own action without waiting the second person. we have to also trust God. We are not alone. He is there to help us.
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