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Sex Before Marriage

Sex Before Marriage

Q&A: We had sex before we were married. How can I forgive myself?
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Q: My husband is the only man I have been with, and I am the only woman he has been with, but we were together before we got married. We have a normal sex life, but I can't help but feel we're doing something wrong when we have sex. I tell myself, "It's okay now, he's your husband; you're supposed to enjoy him," but it often still feels wrong to me. I just feel stuck. How can I forgive myself and move on?

A: You are asking two separate but connected questions. The first question is about truly walking in forgiveness. Moving past your sin does not require you to forgive yourself, but to absolutely believe God when he says, "As far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your sin from you" (Psalm 103:12). And, "If you confess your sin, I will be faithful and just to forgive your sin and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Do you really believe this is true, even if you don't feel forgiven? If you and your husband have confessed your sin, you are forgiven. Are you willing to walk by faith in that forgiveness?

The second question is about whether or not God really blesses passionate, erotic love between a husband and a wife. Many Christians give lip service to this idea, but in practical life, they still battle lies that sex is dirty, and that sexual pleasure is wrong. He created sex as holy, as extremely pleasurable, and as a wonderful gift for you and your husband. He gives you permission to pursue the deepest, most exciting passion. It brings glory to him when you do so. If you doubt this, study the Song of Solomon in which God clearly blesses and elevates the importance of sexual love.

So, open the gift! Kick the enemy, that Father of lies, out of your bedroom and enjoy what God said is good!

Do you have a question for Dr. Juli about love, marriage, or sex? Send your question to tcw@christianitytoday.com, and we'll consider featuring it in a future Q&A.

Subscribe to our free Marriage Partnership e-newsletter at this link for weekly tips, advice, and encouragement in the joys, successes, trials, and tribulations of marriage.

Juli Slattery

Juli Slattery is a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional. She co-founded Authentic Intimacy (www.authenticintimacy.com) and is the co-author of Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?

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Jeff Varga

March 07, 2014  11:31am

My goal is to set believers free from FALSE GUILT caused by COUNTERFEIT SIN. This is the most detailed answer you will ever read that the idea of PRE-MARITAL SEX as a sin does NOT exist in the Bible. There are not even rules that require a ceremony, a minister nor a written agreement to establish marriage, certainly not a requirement for any government to issue a license. Pastors and Preachers will NEVER teach this to you, because it would cause the congregation to divide and their salary to dry up. It would also cause loan payments to the bank for the church building to go into default. It's too long to post here- the blog will not allow it. But I guarantee if you read it you'll be astonished and won't be disappointed by the peace it will bring. Please read here: http://counterfeitsin.tumblr.com/post/54067457887/if-all-lust-is-a-s in-stop-looking-at-your-wife

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October 20, 2013  9:24am

"But, it is important to observe the mode in which the serpent sought to shake Eve's confidence in God's truth, and thus bring her under the power of infidel "reason." It was by shaking her confidence in God's love. Eve's security against the influence of all this reasoning would have been simple repose in the infinite goodness of God. She should have said to the serpent, "I have the fullest confidence in God's goodness; therefore, I deem it impossible that He could withhold any real good from me. If that fruit were good for me, I should surely have it; but the fact of being forbidden by God proves that I would be no better, but much worse off by the eating of it. I am convinced of God's love and I am convinced of God's truth, and I believe, too, that you are an evil one come to draw my heart away from the fountain of goodness and truth. Get thee behind me, Satan." This would have been a noble reply." (C. H. Mackintosh)

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October 20, 2013  9:15am

I got married at 35, and I was a virgin not because I was promised a Christian spouse by Christian parents/preachers/books etc. It's because I was convinced (still am) of God's love towards me, He had forgiven all my sins and I would never exchange my new life in Him for anything else. I looked upon sex outside marriage or marriage with a non-Christian spouse as the forbidden tree. I wanted no fruit that God forbade, and I didn't mind staying single as long as I have the Lord in my life. He is my biggest treasure, and it doesn't matter if I'm single or married, what matters is that I stay in Him. While single I read C.H. Mackintosh's Bible commentary of the forbidden fruit, and I liked it so much, I even printed it out and kept reading it out loud whenever I felt that the devil was trying to attack my faith in God's infinite love. I will quote this part in my next comment, as comment size is limited here.

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