Dating Dilemmas

"But it's the Homecoming Dance! I have to go. All my friends have dates. David's really nice and he asked me to go with him. What's the big deal?" pleads 14-year-old Allison to her mom. Few issues cause parents more headaches and worries than dating. We remember our own dating traumas, heartaches, pursuits, pressures, and pleasures. We know what can happen on dates, and we're less than thrilled about the prospect of our kids getting involved in this great American pastime. Yet many adolescents want to date. And even those who don't want to often feel obligated to go out with someone as part of the high school (even middle school) social scene.

If your teenager wants to start dating, it's time for you to set up some ground rules. As you do, keep these suggestions in mind:

Don't get psyched out.

Our kids know how to get to us, making us feel old, out of touch, and uncool. A favorite tactic is to compare us to other parents. Don't fall for it. Parenting your children is your job. So decide what you should do, before God, and do it.

Be firm and calm.

When discussing this and other flammable issues, work hard to keep your cool and be loving. You will be tempted to yell, make speeches, and carry on, but those tactics will only set your teen on the defensive.

Set the dating age at 16.

This isn't the magic moment of maturity, but it does give kids a couple of years to establish friendships with members of the opposite sex without all the pressures of dating. It's best to communicate this rule well before your teen's 16th birthday so that your teen knows what your expectations are.

Help your teenagers ease into dating.

Early in the teen years, you should start talking to your child about sex and dating. Encourage your teen to get involved in wholesome co-ed activities, like the speech team or band, to help her make friends with the opposite sex. You might even consider supervised "group dates" where your teen can get used to socializing with other kids.

Monitor the dates.

When you do allow couple dating, learn as much as possible about the date beforehand (Who? What? Where? When?). Don't act like an investigative reporter and pepper your son or daughter with questions. Simply explain that your love and concern motivate you to want to know this information.

Use dating as a teaching opportunity.

Share what you learned from your own dating experiences, positive and negative. Don't lecture, but keep the communication lines open.

Talk with other parents.

You're not in this alone, so talk with others who are going through the same experiences as well as those who have made it through. Look for parents who share your faith and values. You can swap ideas and pray together.

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