I've learned something significant about marriage through watching you and Shirley," Todd* said.
My three-times-divorced friend had lived with Martha* for eight years. Periodically she pressured him to marry her, he refused, arguments ensued, and days passed before they made peace. Todd (who called himself "an unspiritual believer") admitted he was afraid of marriage. "After three bad trips to the altar, I don't want a fourth failure."
Recently, he said, "I envy the relationship you and Shirley have. You two are committed to the covenant of marriage."
I asked what he meant.
"You love each other. But it's more than love, or even commitment. You're devoted to the covenant—the principle—of marriage. I've always given myself to the person. I loved the three women I married, but eventually arguments became serious and one of us walked out. But I've seen that no matter how difficult things get in your marriage, neither of you leave." He mentioned several problems Shirley and I had faced over the years, especially her serious health concerns. "I've watched you survive things that would have broken any of my marriages. You've put your relationship above your personal feelings."
The more I pondered Todd's words about commitment to the covenant of marriage, the better I understood. It all comes down to the difference between a promise and a vow. When I promise, I'll do the best I can to fulfill whatever I said I would do. If I promise to pay my mortgage every month, I'll pay it. Yet if serious or prolonged illness comes, or I'm downsized, I might not be able to keep that promise.1