Wise parents nudge their children away from dependence toward freedom. Their goal, after all, is to produce independent adults. Lovers, however, choose a new kind of dependence: possessing freedom, they gladly give it away. In a healthy marriage, one partner yields to the other's wishes not out of compulsion, but out of love. That adult relationship reveals what God seeks from human beings: not the clinging, helpless love of a child who has no choice, but the mature, freely given commitment of a lover.
I keep falling back on marriage as a picture of this mature relationship because it is one I have lived in every day for thirty years and one the Bible itself relies on. How, exactly, do I "choose a new kind of voluntary dependence" within marriage? I think of two major decisions Janet and I have made, both of which led us to uproot and move to new locations.
The first time, we moved from the far suburbs to a downtown neighborhood. After thirteen enriching years of city life, we moved to a secluded site in Colorado, the opposite of Chicago in every way.
It seems clear that we made the move to Chicago primarily for Janet's sake and the move to Colorado primarily for mine. Janet thrived in the city, building a fine church-based program that ministered to the practical needs of senior citizens, most of them poor, some of them homeless. City life, though, with its pressures, incessant car alarms, and frenetic pace gradually drained my creative energy. We chose Colorado as a more nourishing environment for my introspective work of writing.1