Q. Is it ever okay to fake an orgasm with my husband? Sometimes I do because I'm just too tired and want to get it over with.
Michael: Many people would say, "Sure, go ahead. You're tired. He'll never know the difference." And if sex were just an act, then we could see the point. But sex isn't just about an act; sex is a powerful way for couples to reflect God's oneness. During sex a husband and wife have the opportunity to come together sensually, emotionally, and spiritually. So we're concerned any time a spouse brings a lie into this sacred experience. By faking an orgasm, you are choosing to be dishonest with your husband at a point when you could both be intimate.
Debra: We recognize that many husbands want their wives to orgasm so they can feel they're great lovers. But that's an unhealthy attitude. In reality, only 25 percent of women reach orgasm every time they have sex. About 10 percent of women have never had an orgasm, and another 25 percent have difficulty reaching orgasm. In other words, both men and women need to accept that most women do not orgasm every time they have sex, and many of those women still report feeling satisfied with their sexual relationship.
Pick a time—not when you're making love!—and a relaxed place, such as over a cup of coffee, and ask him what he'd like you to do during those times when an orgasm isn't your goal and you aren't going to have one. Ask him how you can tell him you're content (even though you haven't had an orgasm) and not hurt his feelings.
He's not a good lover!
Q. I love my husband, but I don't enjoy sex with him. It seems like such a chore. I've tried to tell him how I want to be touched, but he just reverts back to his awkward way. What can I do to have a better sex life?
Debra: Regular sexual sharing is important to a healthy marriage and extremely important to most men's confidence and mental and physical health. You need to focus on the many good things about your husband—whether that's his consistency in financial provision, his sense of humor, his broad shoulders, his desire for you, his care for your children. This isn't to say, "Ignore your frustrations, smile, and have sex." But as you continue to teach him—don't give up on him!—what you like and don't like in sex (kindly and firmly), stay focused on why your sexual relationship is important.
Michael: While it's important to protect his male ego when talking to him about his sexual prowess, you can still be direct. Break the learning into small steps and teach them one at a time. Use whatever he likes (moaning, verbal encouragement, or specific touch) to reinforce his steps in the right direction. One of the women I'm working with won't let her husband touch her vulva until he's taken the time to passionately kiss her for a couple minutes. After he's passionately kissed her, she tells him "that makes me so hot" and guides his hand to touch her.
You may need to stop him in the middle of your lovemaking to say, "I really want to make love to you, but what you're doing is turning me off. Can you try ____? That would feel really good." Don't give up. Your husband is capable of learning techniques that would be more enjoyable to you.
Michael Sytsma, Ph.D., is a minister and founder of Building Intimate Marriages (www.intimatemarriage.org). Debra Taylor, MFT, is co-author of Secrets of Eve (Thomas Nelson). Both are certified Christian sex therapists and co-founders of Sexual Wholeness, Inc. www.sexualwholeness.com
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