"I Can't Forgive Him!"

How God helped me let go and find peace after my divorce
"I Can't Forgive Him!"

"I don’t love you anymore.”

Those were the most painful words I had ever heard. My husband spoke them on a cold, rainy day in February. The day before Valentine’s Day. A day that is forever etched in my mind.

There had been a growing distance between us that I was hoping was just temporary. Two weeks later he moved to another state.

I was stunned. Our children thought we were happy. Everyone else thought we were the perfect family. So did I. I assumed we’d make it through this.

But as all the details became apparent, I felt increasingly hopeless. I spent days crying in bed, pulling the covers over my head so no one would hear. I pleaded with God to turn the situation around, to bring my husband back, to put our family back together. But after several months of mourning, I finally had to embrace my new “normal.”

Losses and Fears

This new normal brought so many losses: My children would not be raised in an intact family. My teaching ministry would look different as a separated, and then later, as a divorced woman. My social circle would be reoriented.

My biggest fear was that my divorce would define my life.

My biggest fear was that my divorce would define my life. Many women I knew whose husbands had left were angry and bitter, their pain etched on their faces. Years later, they were still eager to recount the sins committed against them.

I saw that I, too, was becoming so preoccupied with my husband’s sin that it consumed my thoughts. I thought about it constantly—standing in line at the grocery store, waiting at the doctor’s office, and even before falling asleep every night. I didn’t like the person I was becoming because all I could dwell on was the negative. Paul exhorts us to dwell on whatever is good and lovely, pure and honorable, and I was dwelling on quite the opposite . . . but I felt powerless to change. I threw myself on the bed and sobbed, “Lord, I don’t want to be bitter, but I don’t know how to stop this. Please, please help me.”

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Divorce; Forgiveness; Healing; Husbands; Spouse; Wives
Today's Christian Woman, September Week 4, 2014
Posted September 24, 2014

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