I’m not a patient person. And I like being in control. This obviously makes a great combination for a woman who’s trying to follow God while life isn’t turning out as planned.
All sarcasm aside, I’ve been struggling a lot over the past year to try to see God’s hand in my life. The last few months have been wrecked with loss, and if I’m honest, it’s hard to see past it.
I’ve also wrestled with wanting God to be a magic genie. Doesn’t the Bible say, in Psalm 37, that if I delight myself in the Lord, he will give me the desires of my heart? And doesn’t it say that if I ask, he will give it to me? I’ve struggled to reconcile these truths with the reality of the “here-but-not-yet” kingdom of God, as Dallas Willard once described it.
Heaven is not fully realized right now in our lives on earth, but Jesus has come and his kingdom has been inaugurated. We have a Father who loves us deeply, who rescued us through the death and resurrection of his Son, who bids us to bring our requests to him because he delights to give us good things. And it’s been in this world of the here-but-not-yet kingdom—where sin and death still exist and where God is acting out his will—that we live. It’s in this tension between brokenness and hope that I’ve struggled to keep my heart “alive” in the face of chronic disappointment. How does someone fight for her heart?1