My Loveless Marriage
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I lay in bed staring at the darkness. My husband, Larry, was snoring softly beside me. We'd just had another fight. I could hardly remember what had started it, but I knew we'd both said ugly, hateful things. Nothing had been resolved. We'd just gotten tired. Now he slept and I lay here, feeling utterly alone.
I crawled out of bed to check on our two sons. David, such a handful while awake, looked like an angel even though his face was sticky from the ice cream he'd eaten earlier. I pulled Matthew's covers back on his small body and smoothed his blond head. He needed a haircut. Working full-time, with two small sons to referee and a house to keep clean, I never had enough time to do it all.
Something drew me to the window. I could see the lights from downtown Seattle. So many people. What were they doing? Were they as lonely as I was? Was there anyone out there who cared? God, I cried, help me find the strength to leave.
Hitting the Wall
After ten years of marriage, I wanted out. Our love hadn't died in the heat of this battle or any other battle. It had died at the bottom of a wall it couldn't climb.
I remember clearly the day I laid the first brick. We'd been married nine months. We went to a movie and I waited for Larry to reach over and take my hand, thus proving the magic was still there. But he didn't and, as the movie progressed, I grew hurt and angry. He shrugged it off, surprised I was upset over such a little thing. To him it was nothing; to me it was the first sign our love wasn't perfect.
As the years passed, I added more bricks. When we were first married, he called me every day from work. But slowly those phone calls grew further apart and finally stopped. When I brought it up, he started calling again, but it wasn't the same. When we watched TV in the evening, he'd fall asleep. When we went out for dinner, he couldn't think of anything to say. His days off were measured by how much he got done—chores, work, and the children took priority. I got the crumbs, and I was starving.
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did; he wasn't abusive, he didn't run around with other women, he didn't drink or do drugs. He came home every night and worked hard to support our family. Despite this, the wall grew, built with bricks of buried anger, unmet needs, silences, and cold shoulders. The marriage books we read made things worse; counseling confused the issues.
Divorce seemed like the only answer. It would give me a chance to start over and find the right person. Yes, it would be hard on the children, but when I was finally happy, I'd be a better parent. In the long run, it would be better for all of us.
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Trish
This article has helped me tremendously. I certainly feel that I am in a loveless marriage. The major point is to STOP trying to change the other person. My situation was exactly the same - no cheating, no abuse, just distance. I will DO my part and see what happens. Thank you so much for such inspiring words!
Marcy
It is always good to examine yourself before the Lord. The fact is though, the problem never lies with one person. If Larry is abusive and unloving, you will incur damage from his treatment. My church counselor accused me and assured me that it was not God's will for me to separate, and there was no such thing as emotional abuse. They will not pay the therapy bills for me or my children now. Emotional abuse is real, and more damaging than physical abuse because it lasts through generations. Only 1% of abusers change, according to my Christian (PhD) counselor. Separation is Biblical, and may force him to face it. Further, even the church now recognizes emotional abuse as a form of "desertion" and "unfaithfulness"- though not physical. Your article states what I said years ago. However the problem hasn't really and Truly been addressed- Larry must deal with his end or you and your children will pay the price. Quick fixes are never an answer. Read more and sort it out God's Truth!
steelrose
I understand all views presented ere and in fact just to let you know even longer marriages are experiencing such lonely, unhappy marriages. We should all become bloggers together...help each other and become friends. a lonely Christian wife! (30 yrs.)
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