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Honor My Mother and Father?

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Q. How should I treat my abusive parents?

A. First of all, I'm so sorry for your abuse. Coming from the people who were supposed to love and affirm you, it's damaging beyond words. I applaud your efforts to get to a place where you might be able to show them some honor.

When the Bible instructs us to honor our parents (in Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:2, among other places), it's guiding us in a God-honoring direction. But these words were not written as a response to an abusive situation.There are times when the Bible provides instruction for specific situations, and times when it instructs through broad principles. It's important to be aware of this distinction.

For example, in 1 Timothy 5:17, the apostle Paul tells us to give double honor to those who preach and teach in the church. Honoring our religious leaders is a principle found throughout Scripture. However, Jesus often spoke critical words to the hypocritical Pharisees. He didn't apply the broad principle of giving double honor to them. Instead, he spoke to the specific situation, knowing the Pharisees weren't owed this elevated treatment. In a similar way, abusive parents aren't owed elevated treatment either.

The broad principle of honoring our parents reminds us of the important work they do. Good parents create a healthy, God-centered culture in their family. It takes a lot of love, energy, creativity, and time, and this work can shape amazing human beings. But it's also important to note that this command doesn't say, "Only honor terrific parents." No parent is perfect and most are doing the best they can. In God's economy, this effort is such a good thing it deserves great honor, especially from the people who benefit from it most-the kids. It's easy for children to take for granted and/or fail to notice the work their parents do.

Still, a lot of damage has been done in the name of obedience, by insisting that abused children ignore their pain and heap false praise on their parents. Abuse is sinful (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Ephesians 6:4). Having said that, it's possible to acknowledge abuse and discover ways in which you're capable of showing honor to your parents. This will depend on the work you do to heal, the ability of the parent to admit the abuse, as well as the level of abuse. You need to be in Christian counseling. And the healing process might also include developing deep spiritual friendships within which you can tell your story and rebuild trust.

I've watched a number of friends work through this issue. One experienced verbal and emotional abuse that was quite scarring. I've been moved to tears watching her speak kindly and graciously to the parent who inflicted this abuse. It took her years to be able to do so, but she was determined to not let the abuse shape the rest of her life. She learned that forgiveness isn't the same thing as excusing the abuse.

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Patricia Hodges

September 24, 2012  10:01pm

Thank you for helping me realize that it is ok for me to protect myself from a very wicked and abusive parent - When you grow up in so much violence and hatred, you only learn to survive one day at a time - In the last 4 yrs, I have put as much distance as I can and the peace I have is so worth it.....just needed to hear that it is really ok even though most of the family has turned away from me. Thanks - will reread this article as it has been such a help. Trisha

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Adult survivor of child abuse

June 18, 2012  7:51pm

Suzie, Some of us unfortunatly have families like that. Here's a website that might help you: http://www.luke173ministries.org/466753

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Risé

May 14, 2012  11:30am

Chris ... this is so true. So true - studying forgiveness, I came to the exact conclusion as you. For those who do not repent we are to walk away. I will not have relationship with an abusive person who thinks they've done nothing wrong. Failure for them to do this means there is no relationship worth having. So, glad to read of someone else whose come to the same conclusions as I have. :)

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