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Mourning a Miscarriage

When we lost our baby, I was haunted by the question why?
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I knew the bright red blood shouldn't be there. The day before, I'd discovered for certain I was six weeks pregnant. Now, as I stared at the widening stain of blood that soaked my pajamas, my stomach tightened and my neck burned.

No, God! I want to be a mother!

In a matter of seconds, I sprang from the bathroom, woke my husband, James, and dialed my physician. The diagnosis: spontaneous miscarriage.

"Is there anything we can do?" I squeaked.

"Unfortunately, no," my ob/gyn replied. "I'm sorry."

The date was March 9, 2003. I'd awoken, pregnant, at 6 A.M. I'd thanked God for answering my prayers, wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like at his or her birth in October.

When I hung up the phone, the clock read 7:30 A.M.

And my baby was dead.

When God Says "No"

My body recovered almost immediately. However, my spirit writhed during the months that followed. I'd always pictured God as the religious equivalent of a fairy godfather, a granter of wishes who gives us the important things for which we pray. For six hopeful months, I'd begged him to let us have a baby. Now I brooded over the fact he'd responded with a "no." It was more than God taking his time with our baby's conception; our baby actually had died. How much more obvious could a "no" be?

for six hopeful months, I'd begged God to let us have a baby. Now I brooded over the fact he'd responded "no."

While I never thought God caused my miscarriage, I despaired over realizing the same God who said, "Seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matthew 7:7) had allowed it to happen. I wondered if perhaps I'd prayed wrongly when I asked him for a baby, or if I hadn't prayed enough. Did God even care that I'd prayed? With the world so full of trouble, perhaps my prayers were too insignificant for God's attention.

Or maybe, I thought as tears flowed day after day, God didn't want me to have a baby at all.

I found little solace in the world around me. Though relatively common, miscarriage is a topic whispered around obstetricians' offices and rarely discussed in a society that regards the unborn—especially at the earliest stages of pregnancy—as disposable nonentities. Many people undermined my feelings with platitudes such as "You can always get pregnant again" or "These things just happen." But I believe life begins at conception; my unborn child was a person with a soul. The loss of that unique person left an enormous void in my life, leaving me physically and emotionally empty, lonelier than I'd ever been before. All I could do about it was cry.

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Angie

July 14, 2014  3:00pm

Thank you for sharing this painful experience in your life which has comforted so many others. My husband and I just had our 3rd miscarriage in a row in May. We buried our son on May 16th. I ran across the following poem that was such a comfort...hope it is an encouragement to you as well. Only the Veil Between No, not cold beneath the grasses, Not close-walled within the tomb, Rather in my Father’s Mansion Living in another room. Living like the child who loves me, Like the child with cheeks abloom. Out of sight, at a desk with school books, Busy in another room Nearer than my son whom fortune Beckons where the far lands loom Just behind the hanging curtain, Serving in another room. Shall I doubt my Father’s wisdom? Shall I sit enswathed in gloom? When I know my love is happy Waiting in another room. I look forward to the day when I see my children that are waiting, busy, playing, and serving in Heaven.

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Karin

July 02, 2014  5:03am

I lost my first baby 24 Sept 2013 and fell pregnant again but also lost that baby 24 Jan 2014. Now it seems like I'm not falling pregnant and my faith is so low. Melody I'm in the same boat as you! My coworker is going on maternity leave and I was just a week behind her. I'm so broken inside and I'm also seeking answers as I really don't understand how God could give me something I've prayed for, for so long and just rip it away from me...not once...but twice. I'm really struggling to control my emotions, but I'm keeping my eyes on God.

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melody

June 30, 2014  11:11am

I lost my baby on NYE. I have had a hard time because, even though I KNOW that God is not vindictive or mean, I have had to watch my coworker (who is due one week before I was and is about to go on maternity leave), my neighbor (same due date as myself), my best friend (conceived the week I miscarried) and my sister (just found out this weekend) all be pregnant around me. Part of me feels like my baby was ripped from me and the loss is being rubbed in my face. I cannot go anywhere without it being right there in front of me. But reading this has really helped. It reminds me that when we focus on who God is, even if we don't get the answer to the Why question, we know that God is still sovereign and in control. Thank you for sharing and letting us see that we are not alone in our grief, our struggle, our asking "Why".

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