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Mourning a Miscarriage

When we lost our baby, I was haunted by the question why?
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I knew the bright red blood shouldn't be there. The day before, I'd discovered for certain I was six weeks pregnant. Now, as I stared at the widening stain of blood that soaked my pajamas, my stomach tightened and my neck burned.

No, God! I want to be a mother!

In a matter of seconds, I sprang from the bathroom, woke my husband, James, and dialed my physician. The diagnosis: spontaneous miscarriage.

"Is there anything we can do?" I squeaked.

"Unfortunately, no," my ob/gyn replied. "I'm sorry."

The date was March 9, 2003. I'd awoken, pregnant, at 6 A.M. I'd thanked God for answering my prayers, wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like at his or her birth in October.

When I hung up the phone, the clock read 7:30 A.M.

And my baby was dead.

When God Says "No"

My body recovered almost immediately. However, my spirit writhed during the months that followed. I'd always pictured God as the religious equivalent of a fairy godfather, a granter of wishes who gives us the important things for which we pray. For six hopeful months, I'd begged him to let us have a baby. Now I brooded over the fact he'd responded with a "no." It was more than God taking his time with our baby's conception; our baby actually had died. How much more obvious could a "no" be?

for six hopeful months, I'd begged God to let us have a baby. Now I brooded over the fact he'd responded "no."

While I never thought God caused my miscarriage, I despaired over realizing the same God who said, "Seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matthew 7:7) had allowed it to happen. I wondered if perhaps I'd prayed wrongly when I asked him for a baby, or if I hadn't prayed enough. Did God even care that I'd prayed? With the world so full of trouble, perhaps my prayers were too insignificant for God's attention.

Or maybe, I thought as tears flowed day after day, God didn't want me to have a baby at all.

I found little solace in the world around me. Though relatively common, miscarriage is a topic whispered around obstetricians' offices and rarely discussed in a society that regards the unborn—especially at the earliest stages of pregnancy—as disposable nonentities. Many people undermined my feelings with platitudes such as "You can always get pregnant again" or "These things just happen." But I believe life begins at conception; my unborn child was a person with a soul. The loss of that unique person left an enormous void in my life, leaving me physically and emotionally empty, lonelier than I'd ever been before. All I could do about it was cry.

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April 17, 2014  5:49am

Thank you, Jennifer, for writing this. I just had my 3rd consecutive miscarriage a month ago. I thought i was starting to heal but came to realize that I still have a long way to go. I've definitely learned through this journey as well that God is always with us and as you said, He's not our "fairy godfather". It's so hard finding people that can relate to you so it made me feel good to know that someone else gets it too. They REALLY feel my pain. May God bless you and your husband with a beautiful child and thank you so much for sharing.

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March 13, 2014  11:54am

I can relate 100% to this article..am not able to stop searching for consolation and explanation to the miscarriage i had at 8 weeks. Thank you so much for sharing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am still trying to reach the point of seeking God instead of various explanations and researching the cause. But am encouraged to see this note. God bless you.

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Helena Vaa Fuimaono

March 02, 2014  8:24pm

Hi Jennifer, I really enjoyed this piece...you're a good writer by the way. I have one child, a one year old boy - joy of my life, but just recently I've had my second miscarriage, in less than a year of the first miscarriage. I can relate to your loss and tip my hat off to you for keeping the faith. These are trying times and I know God is pleased that you continue to seek Him as I do. I'm actually a medical doctor and understand about what the "evidence" says but I know that only God has the complete answers. Many times we may not get the answers we seek but that's where our faith needs to step in-a faith that can only come from one who knows God-that he is good no matter what...you know, I'm seriously reconsidering my career...I hope it isn't all the radiation im exposed to at work that has been causing this. note: im from samoa - a south pacific island that has yet to upgrade health care systems to overseas standards...anyway, God keep and bless you my sister in Christ.

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