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Arguing Again

In the aftermath of our argument, three words came to mind: love never fails.
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Why are stairs harder to climb after we fight? I asked myself, dragging one foot after the other, using the banister to pull myself up.

Hurtful words, spoken by my husband in anger, rotated in my mind. Was I really not humble? Was I only out for myself? Was I truly trying to "diss" him?

Reaching the top, I hesitated before entering the bedroom. Was he asleep, or waiting? Time to find out as I anxiously turned the handle.

Trying not to sigh too long or loud, I was relieved to hear his gentle snores. A simple change of clothing in the dark and I was ready to climb into bed, but our argument kept playing over and over like some bad copy of a B movie, making sleep impossible.

The nagging question, which rarely left my mind during these days of arguing, came once again. Should I leave him? Temptation was strong as I considered my options.

Finding myself praying instead of sleeping, I pleaded silently, God, what's happening to us? I don't know how much more of this fighting I can take.

A gentle suggestion came into my mind: Love never fails.

Those three words brought back memories of years before, standing at the wedding altar, saying those same words to this man. I read 1 Corinthians 13 to him after my vows. Verse 8 started with "Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13: 8, NIV). At the time my friends asked me why I wanted to read what everyone else read at their wedding. Why couldn't I be different? they questioned.

No eloquent answers came then, but now I understood. God knew I'd need those words written on my heart to remember tonight as I struggled with the "for worse" part of marriage.

I nodded in the dark. Love never fails. Not even now. I inhaled deeply and felt a sense of peace. I'd made my decision. I would continue to love my husband with God's help. I slept and awoke to another day, believing it would be different.

But at breakfast, only the forks against our plates broke the silence. I wanted to speak, to make things better, but I wasn't sure what to say. So I decided to wait and prayed silently.

Finally my husband said, "I wish we hadn't argued last night. I hate it when we argue. Are you all right?"

"I hate it when we argue too," I said as a thought entered my mind, Isn't he sorry for those awful things he said—which we both know aren't true? Then I mentally backed up. What were those words God reminded me of last night?

A flash prayer, my way of quickly lifting words up to God, came to mind: Lord, teach me how to live the words you gave me last night: love never fails.

Finally I said, "I'm all right today. Before I fell asleep last night, God brought a Scripture to my mind. Remember our wedding vows? God reminded me of the passage I read to you from 1 Corinthians 13. It said, 'Love never fails.' So I lay in bed and prayed for us and our fighting. God helped me fall in love with you all over again last night as I remembered our wedding day." I was quiet for a moment, then I said, "And I still love you."

"We need to stop the arguing," he said. "The damage to our love and our marriage is too great." After some silence, he continued, "And I still love you." He stood and put his breakfast plate in the sink. "I'm going to get ready for work." As he walked from the room, he called back, "You can pray for that, too. Things are a pain at work right now."

"Okay, I'll pray," I told him as I headed toward the sink with my breakfast plate.

Well, not exactly an apology, but at least he hurts from the arguments like I do. I opened my Bible for quiet time before I started my work day.

"Lord," I pleaded out loud, "I've asked you to teach me how to live 'Love never fails.' Will you also teach us both how to stop arguments before they escalate?" We had tried adopting a hand gesture and the word "calm" as a signal to stop arguments from escalating. But when an argument began to escalate, the one making a point wanted to keep arguing. "What do we try next, Lord? Please give me wisdom," I prayed.

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Anonymous

May 25, 2012  7:15pm

Excellent and practical. I too use to get so hurt and frustrated because i never heard " im sorry" but, your right after a heated discussion, trash goes out or dishwasher is loaded......that does equal " im sorry". Ive just never taken the time to realize it. These thoughts can easily be applied to my marriage. Thanks for helping me see my hubby differently! Thanks for sharing!

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Tulia

May 25, 2012  3:04pm

A great article, and just as their are many way's to apologize we all speak and appreciate different languages, I believe it takes humility to accept the quiet apology. My Pastor recommended a book and I believe it is by Townsend and it is the 5 languages of apology, it may be a good read.

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Loretta

May 18, 2012  6:43pm

I have been married over 10 years. My husband is a Pastor. I learned after many years of frustration that the ability to recognize and accept a non-verbal apology requires grace - grace that I only found within myself about 5 years ago (thank you, Jesus!). There are so many ways to communicate and we cannot limit ourselves or our husbands to only verbal methods. Every relationship is different and my husband and I use both verbal and non-verbal ways of communicating apologies but I have learned that sometimes his ACTIONS mean much more than his WORDS and in those cases, I gladly accept his offering of a non-verbal apology. Besides, men tend to communicate differently than women and we'd be wise to notice and appreciate any of their attempts to communicate with love.

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