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Is the Church Failing Childless Women?

Is the Church Failing Childless Women?

We can all do better.
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Does the church know how to love childless women? It's a difficult but important question. I recently read a pair of articles from two different perspectives that touch on this issue. One was from Suzanne Burden, a married woman in her early 40s who has struggled with infertility; the other was from Amanda Bast, an unmarried 26­-year-­old. Both presented quite a poignant picture of how lonely—even alienating—the "Christian community" can feel when you don't fit the traditional, get-married-young-and-start-a-family-early" mold.

Consider Amanda's perspective: "When you ask when I'm getting married, I don't have an answer for you. When you hint at me having kids, it makes me jealous of new parents. When you prod about my lack of a stable career, I get frustrated. When you ask these questions, it doesn't help me grow. It doesn't help me feel content with where I am. It does more damage than you realize."

Suzanne's experience is similar: "Do you know how I felt when I went to a new church in a new city and was asked if I wanted to attend 'Mom's Night Out'? As it was the only social opportunity for women at the time, I believe the woman who asked me was trying to include the newcomer. When I informed her I was not a mom and I asked if they had considered calling it 'Ladies' Night Out' to include the childless women in the church, I was eventually told: 'Sorry, that's just what we call it.' I never attended—I did, however, immediately feel marginalized."

These articles were eye­opening and convicting to me. I have to admit that at times I have been guilty of some of the exact things that Suzanne and Amanda described. And I should know better. Even though I do have kids, as a full­time professional I certainly know what it feels like to not fit into the traditional image of the Christian mom.

Even though I do have kids, as a full­time professional I certainly know what it feels like to not fit into the traditional image of the Christian mom.

But really, we should all know better.

There are so many women (and especially professional women) who are waiting longer to have children these days that this is an issue that we as a church desperately need to get a handle on. My friend Lydia was convinced for many years that she would never have kids. Not because she couldn't (she could) or wasn't married (she was), but because she just did not feel like she was meant to be a mom. Shortly after she got married, the questions and unsolicited advice started pouring in:

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Diane Paddison

Diane Paddison is a business professional and founder of 4wordwomen.org, local groups of professional working women committed to faith, family, work, and each other.

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Jane

February 10, 2014  4:46pm

Thank you. I am a married, infertile, childless, mid-40's woman who feels so left out at church. I have grown up in church, been in leadership of some kind, including youth leadership, for most of my life. It is difficult to be left out, to hear comments that 'I wouldn't understand because I don't have kids,' & to be treated like I am less of a person because I don't have children. I am still a woman, I love kids, I have interests & abilities that God gave me, I can be a part of a conversation, I love God, but I have been definitely pushed out of the women's circles for a number of years. It is difficult & painful. It has causes a lot of self-doubt, a lot of tears, tremendous loneliness. I get continuous questions of why didn't you adopt, which honestly, we were in process and the mom changed her mind, but really does it matter?? I still have plenty to offer you as a friend, a sister in Christ, and a woman. I ask women to stop judging & having prejudice against other women.

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