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Is the Church Failing Childless Women?

Is the Church Failing Childless Women?

We can all do better.
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Does the church know how to love childless women? It's a difficult but important question. I recently read a pair of articles from two different perspectives that touch on this issue. One was from Suzanne Burden, a married woman in her early 40s who has struggled with infertility; the other was from Amanda Bast, an unmarried 26­-year-­old. Both presented quite a poignant picture of how lonely—even alienating—the "Christian community" can feel when you don't fit the traditional, get-married-young-and-start-a-family-early" mold.

Consider Amanda's perspective: "When you ask when I'm getting married, I don't have an answer for you. When you hint at me having kids, it makes me jealous of new parents. When you prod about my lack of a stable career, I get frustrated. When you ask these questions, it doesn't help me grow. It doesn't help me feel content with where I am. It does more damage than you realize."

Suzanne's experience is similar: "Do you know how I felt when I went to a new church in a new city and was asked if I wanted to attend 'Mom's Night Out'? As it was the only social opportunity for women at the time, I believe the woman who asked me was trying to include the newcomer. When I informed her I was not a mom and I asked if they had considered calling it 'Ladies' Night Out' to include the childless women in the church, I was eventually told: 'Sorry, that's just what we call it.' I never attended—I did, however, immediately feel marginalized."

These articles were eye­opening and convicting to me. I have to admit that at times I have been guilty of some of the exact things that Suzanne and Amanda described. And I should know better. Even though I do have kids, as a full­time professional I certainly know what it feels like to not fit into the traditional image of the Christian mom.

Even though I do have kids, as a full­time professional I certainly know what it feels like to not fit into the traditional image of the Christian mom.

But really, we should all know better.

There are so many women (and especially professional women) who are waiting longer to have children these days that this is an issue that we as a church desperately need to get a handle on. My friend Lydia was convinced for many years that she would never have kids. Not because she couldn't (she could) or wasn't married (she was), but because she just did not feel like she was meant to be a mom. Shortly after she got married, the questions and unsolicited advice started pouring in:

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Diane Paddison

Diane Paddison is a business professional and founder of 4wordwomen.org, local groups of professional working women committed to faith, family, work, and each other.

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Sandy

June 24, 2014  10:52am

Amen sister! This was me for 10 years. If you ever see a single person sitting by themselves at church, PLEASE REACH OUT TO THEM!

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Jordan

June 24, 2014  7:28am

I'm a married woman without children, and I feel like there is a massive hole in my church for women like me. I feel like an anomaly that church leaders just don't really know what to do with or don't want to invest the time in creating a ministry for women like me. It's really discouraging!

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Betsy Gray

May 03, 2014  1:05am

Jane, you are not alone. There are just so many more good, Godly women who journey through our 30s and 40s without children, and many more without marrying or remaining married, who don't have a clear path to find each other in church...and I think many just lose heart and leave. Single till 38, I found my peer group evaporating at church though peers were everywhere in business circles. We need to help our church leadership recognize their ministry mindset has been on autopilot, as they serve the women they see most, and who are most like themselves. Making a defined safe place for the growing proportion of working women, single women, late to marry women who are faced with emotional choices about trying to conceive or choosing childlessness alone, is a need not even on the radar for too many church communities. I pray you will feel seen and find the many others I know are around you.

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