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Kay Warren on Depression, Grief, and Hope

Kay Warren on Depression, Grief, and Hope

Choosing joy "even if my worst nightmare came true"
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Kay Warren is intimately familiar with depression. This cofounder of Saddleback Church, wife of senior pastor Rick Warren, beloved Christian communicator, and advocate for people in need knows what darkness looks like. Through her own lifelong emotional battle, parenting a child in tremendous pain, and losing a son to suicide, depression has left deep marks on her soul. Yet she chooses joy—the kind of joy that can live right alongside sorrow. TCW talked with her about her experiences and what she's learning.

How has depression affected you and your family?

Depression has been a part of our family's life since our son Matthew was very young. He was clinically depressed at seven. We moved from the place where he was born and where his friends were, just across town. It wasn't that far, but it was far enough that he didn't get to keep playing with those kids. He started coming home from school pretty subdued and quiet, and I'd ask,

"Who did you play with today?"

He would say, "Oh, nobody."

And I'd ask, "Did anything happen?"

"No."

When he started saying, "I'm sad," I attributed it at first to the fact that we had moved and he was just having a hard time dealing with that. It continued and began to affect his schoolwork, and he lost interest in playing with his own toys, playing with his siblings. He just was different.

Eventually I knew we were dealing with something beyond the normal sadness from a transition. There was something very deep going on in this little boy, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't even realize children could be depressed. It wasn't long until he began to experience panic attacks. He couldn't stand up in front of his classmates at school. He couldn't play sports because he couldn't take the pressure of performing. Then he was diagnosed with ADHD. The initials just kept stacking up. By 12 he was diagnosed with early-onset bipolar disorder. Then it was obsessive-compulsive disorder and major depressive disorder. Depression was ever-present. And then—just a year-and-a-half before he passed away—finally the diagnosis that made it all come together and make sense was borderline personality disorder. Almost all of his life, Matthew struggled with very intense depression.

You know, if you live with a depressed person, it's catching. Our whole family struggled with watching him suffer, feeling the sadness for his suffering. I think we all had a little bit of depression ourselves because his suffering was so intense.

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From Issue:
Today's Christian Woman, 2014, May Week 2
Posted May 14, 2014

also in this issue

May Week 2
Confronting the "D" Word

Confronting the "D" Word

How to find help and hope in the midst of depression
7 Things Not to Say to Someone Who's Depressed

7 Things Not to Say to Someone Who's Depressed

These words can just make it worse
How Can You Manage Depression?

How Can You Manage Depression?

Try "catching" your thoughts
Not What I Expected

Not What I Expected

Along with my baby came another new arrival: postpartum depression.

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Laurie

July 21, 2014  11:26pm

The Lord has set before me a road so similar to yours and I am struggling to hold onto the joy. Our precious son has been battling depression since he was 12 years old. At age 21 he still struggles every day and his future looks bleak. He is still living under our protective wings. I know that will not remain so, ready or not he will eventually go. The recent struggle in my soul has been with fear for him, fear for his safety, fear of the future. The nightmare you have experienced seems inevitable in my own life. Yet I know our God is awesome and mighty and bigger than any illness. I am holding onto hope that our son will one day respond to treatment and be able to be released from the bondage he is in. Can't wait to read "Choosing Joy" as a way to help me hold onto hope.

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Lucy

May 20, 2014  9:12am

Thank you Alyssa for the encouragement. It's not easy to walk this path but I draw strength from the same God who is all powerful.

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Julie

May 19, 2014  9:40pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I too have struggled with depression for most of my adult life, and now my twelve-year-old is dealing with it as well. We struggled with giving our daughter an anti-depressant and wondering whether it was our poor parenting that was causing her behavior (as some others insinuated.) When her counselor told us that she had tried cutting and other destructive behavior, we decided to go ahead with the medicine and are glad that we did. Helping a child deal with mental illness and getting the right treatment is not an exact science. Hopefully the church is beginning to recognize that mental illness is just that--an illness.

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