Q. How should I treat my abusive parents?
A. First of all, I'm so sorry for your abuse. Coming from the people who were supposed to love and affirm you, it's damaging beyond words. I applaud your efforts to get to a place where you might be able to show them some honor.
When the Bible instructs us to honor our parents (in Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:2, among other places), it's guiding us in a God-honoring direction. But these words were not written as a response to an abusive situation.There are times when the Bible provides instruction for specific situations, and times when it instructs through broad principles. It's important to be aware of this distinction.
For example, in 1 Timothy 5:17, the apostle Paul tells us to give double honor to those who preach and teach in the church. Honoring our religious leaders is a principle found throughout Scripture. However, Jesus often spoke critical words to the hypocritical Pharisees. He didn't apply the broad principle of giving double honor to them. Instead, he spoke to the specific situation, knowing the Pharisees weren't owed this elevated treatment. In a similar way, abusive parents aren't owed elevated treatment either.
The broad principle of honoring our parents reminds us of the important work they do. Good parents create a healthy, God-centered culture in their family. It takes a lot of love, energy, creativity, and time, and this work can shape amazing human beings. But it's also important to note that this command doesn't say, "Only honor terrific parents." No parent is perfect and most are doing the best they can. In God's economy, this effort is such a good thing it deserves great honor, especially from the people who benefit from it most-the kids. It's easy for children to take for granted and/or fail to notice the work their parents do.1