When Your Sex Drives Don't Match

Tips for each spouse
When Your Sex Drives Don't Match

As a marriage therapist for two decades, I've seen what happens to marriages when one spouse has little or no desire for sex and the other yearns for it desperately. Take a look at this recent letter I received.

Dear Michele:
Please help me. I'm 28, married with a 3-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me. We've gone from having sex twice a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. I'm miserable and I can't keep living like this.

One out of every three couples struggle with problems associated with low sexual desire. One study found that 20 percent of married couples have sex fewer than 10 times a year! And low sexual desire isn't only "a woman's thing." Many sex experts believe that low sexual desire in men is America's best-kept secret.

It would be one thing if these lustless men and women were married to each other; they could agree to go off into the sunset, basking in platonic bliss. But it rarely works that way. People with low sexual desire are generally married to partners who want more sexuality, intimacy, physical closeness, and connection.

Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy, and a sense of partnership.

If you're the spouse whose libido is lacking, remember that your most powerful sexual organ is your brain; in order to feel more sexual, you first have to decide that a loving, satisfying sex life and marriage are important. Then commit to finding your untapped sexuality within.

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