Q. I am coming to you completely desperate for answers. My 29-year-old husband and I (I'm 22) have been married almost a year and a half and have had sex maybe twenty times. I have tried to find information on why this is, but all I find is information on lack of female sex drive. My case is exactly the opposite. My husband never wants sex. I waited to be intimate with anyone until my husband, but he didn't. He doesn't understand the importance of this intimacy to me or how it affects every other aspect of our marriage. I am miserable and frustrated most of the time. I feel completely unattractive and disgusting, despite his constantly letting me know that it's not me and that he is very attracted to me. His actions certainly show differently. Please help me.
A. Louis: Yours is an unusual, but not unheard-of situation. We occasionally counsel couples whose pattern is like yours. There are some men who have lower libido and a once-a-month pattern for intercourse seems to satisfy their needs.
There are two considerations that are important, however—things your husband needs to consider. The most important is your sexual desire and the frustration you're experiencing. It is healthier for you to have both the release of an orgasm and to enjoy a sense of intimacy. This is true physically and relationally, and he should be providing that for you. It sounds like you've tried to communicate clearly about your feelings, but you might explore with him what his feelings are in response to your frustration. Often men feel threatened by any suggestion of their mate's dissatisfaction.1