Real Sex

Although my wife and I rarely have sex, neither of us minds much. For a long time we were preoccupied with our kids, our business and some family illnesses. Not having sex became a habit, and now we don't really miss it. But I have to believe that a sexless marriage isn't what God intended. If neither of us desires a lot of sex, how can we both get more interested?

Louis: This is well-worn advice, but "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" From what you say, you and your wife have a comfortable and meaningful relationship. If you feel satisfied that your relational needs are being met, I wouldn't worry much about your sexual frequency.

Melissa: But are you certain you're speaking for both of you? Sometimes you can assume you know what your mate thinks or feels—and then be very surprised when you find out you're wrong. You apparently have enough doubts to prompt this question. Your wife may also have some unspoken wishes or longings. Have a good, long talk about it. That could lead you both to an even more fulfilling marriage.

Louis: If you and your wife decide to increase your interest and frequency, talking about it is the place to begin rekindling your sex life. Talk about your feelings about sex. Talk about what is or has been romantic for each of you. Brainstorm things you can do that will draw you closer in an affectionate way.

You mentioned God's intention for sex. God wants us to become "one." It's our culture that defines oneness primarily as sexual. Because of that, many other aspects of oneness aren't emphasized. It's not uncommon for sexual drive to diminish and intercourse to be replaced by other acts of affection and love. Melissa and I really enjoy taking a walk on a beach or in the woods holding hands. If that closeness leads to something else, that's okay. If it doesn't, that's okay, too.

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Intimacy; Love; Marriage; Sex
Today's Christian Woman, Fall, 1998
Posted September 12, 2008

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