Journey Through Passion Pursuit

How to Be a Generous Lover

Moving beyond selfish love to servant love
How to Be a Generous Lover

As women, we typically view sex as a way of expressing the love and intimacy we feel in our hearts. It’s definitely a challenge to be sexually intimate when those feelings of love are absent. For the first decade of my marriage, it irritated me when my husband wanted sex when we had barely spoken. From his perspective, sex was the way we could connect and feel close. So, we were at a stalemate: I needed to feel love to have sex, and he needed to have sex to feel love.

The truth is both of our perspectives were flawed. God designed sex to be more than either of us had understood. Sexual intimacy isn’t just a means of expressing love, nor is it primarily a way to feel close. Sex is also the laboratory in which love is tested, revealed, and refined.

Intimacy in the Differences

Imagine you and your husband live in sexual utopia. You always want to have sex at exactly the same time and the same way your husband wants it. Every initiation is met with an eager response. There is never any conflict about foreplay, being too tired, giving each other pleasure, or trying something new in bed because your desires are always exactly the same. How fantastic would that be? It would be almost like the sex portrayed in movies—what a great love life!

God certainly could have made sex that way. He could have created man and woman to be exactly the same sexually. But he didn’t. In fact, he intentionally made us vastly different.

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Juli Slattery

Juli Slattery is a TCW regular contributor and blogger. A widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional, she co-founded Authentic Intimacy and is the co-author of Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?

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May 25

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