Take a peek at the cover of most women’s magazines, and you’ll find tantalizing headlines that promise a better sex life. “Ten secrets to mind-blowing orgasms” and “Twenty ways to heat things up with your partner.” While you might find a helpful tip or two, these articles typically fail to address the most significant aspects of a great sex life.
It’s one thing to promote a crazy, wild episode of sex. It’s quite another task to build a romance that weathers the test of time. The goal of married sex is not one or two nights of ecstasy but cultivating a habit of fun, intimacy, and mutual pleasure.
My experience has taught me that most women desperately want to enjoy sex in marriage but find long-term sexual satisfaction to be allusive. I want to share with you three “secrets” to building sexual intimacy in your marriage. Let me warn you that these secrets may sound quite unromantic. Rather than suggesting that you buy candles and lingerie in order to feel sexy, these suggestions aim to change the atmosphere of where sex actually happens—in your heart and your mind.
The number one trait that promotes a great sex life is perhaps the furthest thing you might expect. Since when has humility been sexy? Don’t the sexiest people in the world “strut their stuff”? Aren’t they confident in and out of the bedroom?
The confusion comes when we mistake insecurity for humility. Insecurity is rooted in a fear of rejection and not being enough. In fact, most arrogant, selfish people act the way they do because they are insecure. For instance, the person who fears being exposed as a failure cannot tolerate anything but praise. An insecure lover is so lost in his or her own needs and fears that there’s no room to even consider the needs of the other person.1