Q. My husband and I have been married six years (it's his second marriage). Recently I joined a bowling league, and he freaked out. He wants me to drop out. When he was married the first time, he committed adultery with a woman in his bowling league. Why should I let his problem keep me from the recreation I really need?
A. Because of his past unfaithfulness, your husband knows how untrustworthy people can be. Now he reads his own shortcomings into you and the members of your bowling team. That is his problem. But since you're married, his insecurity becomes your problem as well. Perhaps you can help him rebuild his ability to believe that others can be truthful and trustworthy. Point out that you're not him and that your bowling team is not getting together for purposes of flirting or infidelity. (Unless, of course, your bowling league is a hotbed of affairs, in which case you don't belong in it!) Assure him that you will be faithful—and then do what you can to help him believe it. Ask him what might make him feel comfortable but still allow you to bowl, such as a promise that you'll come straight home after bowling. Introduce him to members of your league, or invite him to come along and watch. As he gets to know your friends, he may be less fearful. If you can, persuade him to join the league. Right now it's tough on you, but as time goes by and your husband gains confidence in your integrity, his fears should diminish.1