Desperate Housewives?

A humorous look at what Hollywood is really missing when they portray women at home.

I stumbled upon it during a recent fit of channeling surfing, brought on by the unexpected delight of actually having sole possession of the remote control. There she was, this so-called housewife—slick lips pouty with invitation (I'm guessing for all the hunky plumbers headed her way), elegantly upswept hair, silky bathrobe and (this was the kicker) no kids in sight. That was also the tip-off: she's an imposter.

Apparently that means the producers of Desperate Housewives need to hire me to act as reality counsel for the producers. From the few minutes I saw, their idea of reality is, um, just a bit different from mine. In fact, the disparity made me laugh so hard I snorted my Diet Coke with lime up my nose.

I put together this comparison chart, should those producers want to attempt realism.

Desperate Housewives Want:
An egg-white omelet, fresh fruit, and dry toast for breakfast

Real Housewives Want:
A Snickers and Diet Coke for breakfast. Don't a positive and a negative cancel each other out?

Desperate Housewives Want:
Complete gardening service

Real Housewives Want:
A neighborhood boy willing to mow the lawn for 10 bucks a week, including weed-eating.

Desperate Housewives Want:
A live-in maid

Real Housewives Want:
A monthly maid service discreet enough not to tell that they saw you throw everything in the dryer prior to their arrival so they wouldn't think your house was a wreck.

Desperate Housewives Want:
A personal yoga instructor

Real Housewives Want:
The ability to touch her toes without having a flabby tummy or post-nursing chest simultaneously touch her knees.

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May 25

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